German

Anonymous

Nobody Literally nobody Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven

Wife

Greg

Donald Trump was golfing with Barack Obama. The Donald said, “Listen Barack, I’m getting older and I’m having trouble sexually satisfying my young wife. I know that you black guys are supposed to be magic in bed. Can you give me a few pointers?” Barack gave Donald a few ideas and that night Donald made love to his wife. He did everything he was told. He started out slowly entering his wife gently then finished hard. Melania came quickly screaming. “Oh Donald, You fuck just like Barack Obama.”

Priest

Anonymous

A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church and the Priest says “what about the children” the rabbi says “fuck the children” and the Priest says "do you think we’ll have time

Wife

Anonymous

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife reply’s “perform the fucking autopsy!”

Depression

Lachlan

whoever took my anti-depressent pills

I hope your fucking happy

Cunt

Morthos Demoneye

I asked my midget neighbour if he wanted a lift. He told m to “Fuck of!!!”! I thought what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.

Wrong

Suicide

Fuck it suicide is wrong but if you jump off a bridge and yell parkor its a failed stunt

Little Johnny

Anonymous

Little Johnny was eating dinner with his family. His mother went around the table and asked, “mark, what would you like to eat?” Mark said, “I’d like some fucking potato’s.” SMACK! mother slapped mark. She then asked suzie, “what would you like to eat?” “Well, I’d like some fucking potatos” said suzie SMAACK! she slapped suzie. “Ok. Johnny, what would you like to eat?” Well… I sure as hell dont want no fucking potatos.

Little Johnny

Anonymous

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?" His mother replies, "The stork brings them." Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, “Then who fucks the stork?”

Knife

Anonymous

I will never forget my grandfathers last words. “The fuck you doing whit that knife

Man

Jub Jub

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide, the librarian responds with ”fuck off you won’t bring it back!”

Sex

Anonymous

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.

Last night, I fucked a chick named Penny. What are the odds?

Priest

cunt

Father: "The church is on fire! GET OUT GET OUT!" Priest: "Ok, what about the children?“ Father:“FUCK THE CHILDREN" Preist:” Do you think we’ll have time?”

Legs

BoomkittyFX

after a surgery, a man claimed he couldn’t feel his legs, i replied “OF COURSE NOT, I AMPUTATED YOUR FUCKING ARMS!”

Man

Jimbob

3 men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live, only if they could achieve one thing. They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each. The first person returned with apples, the leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1…2 he screamed. The next person came back with grapes, 1,2,3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing, he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well, “well i saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples”

Asshole

Carter014

One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says “well can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy replied “no”. So the grandpa says “okay.” And leaves it at that and walks off. A few years later the boy asks his grandfather for some money again and his grandfather once again asks “can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy proudly says “yes it can.” To which the grandpa says “good, now go fuck yourself.”

Sister

Te4inchpounder

So I’m banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right? And I’m thinking to myself, “She’s PROBABLY got AIDS.” So I go and get myself tested and, lo-and-behold, I’m positive. This gets me thinking, “Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!” “Who has my sister been hanging out with?!”

Sister

Anonymous

Yesterday I was fucking my sister and she said’ you fuck a lot like dad I said “really mum said that too.”

Orphan

Anonymous

Kid: I fucked your mom

Orphan: Whats a mom?

Legs

BigDickBobby

A man is walking on the deck of a cruise ship, when he sees a woman, without arms and legs, crying. The man says “What’s wrong?” The woman says “I’ve never been hugged before.” So, the man gives her a hug and walks away.

The next day, the man sees the woman, on the deck, crying again. The man says “What’s wrong, now?” The woman says “I’ve never been kissed before.” So, the man gives her a kiss and walks away.

The next day, the same thing occurs. The man says “Oh, for Christ’s sake! What’s wrong, this time?!” The woman says “Well, I’ve never been fucked before.” So, the man picks her up, throws her into the ocean, and yells “YOU’RE FUCKED!”

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