Chair Jokes

Anonymous

To the man in the wheel chair who stole my camouflage jacket, You can hide but you cant run.

A sentient keyboard
in Puns

When the chair was invented, the inventor’s friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: ‘You might want to sit down for this.’

ShadowTheRedUmbreon

If a person in a wheel chair runs you over, can you call it a Hit and Can´t Run

4
Anonymous

What do you call a chair that smokes weed?

A high chair

Punk

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Any last requests?” “Yes,” replied the murderer, “Will you please hold my hand?”

Epic Person 0_o

A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a “no”. His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, “Why do you keep asking me to croak?” The granddaughter replies, “Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland.”

0
Anonymous

How do you win an argument against a emo? kick the chair.

9
Anonymous

A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box, and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations, and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts “Voodoo Dick, the door!” The wooden penis flies across the room, and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cahsier’s desk, and once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box and the cashier closes the lid. The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand.” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!” The man nods and heads home. Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip. A few days later, the wife becomes very horny, and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina, and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired, and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can, but just can’t get it it. The wife panicks, and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding, and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!” The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief. “Voodoo Dick my ass, bitch.”

Anonymous

What do chairs spend on the most?

Chair-ity

Anonymous
in Cow

What is a cow’s favorite party game? Moo-sical chairs!

5

"I’d rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth,"the woman told her dentist. He replied, “Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair.”

dontask

A kid is arrested for a school shooting threat he is then apprehended and asked why he wanted to do this. He responds with “what do you mean I already did it” then the police ran back to the school to aprehend the other people he was planing it with the cops busted in through the doors which caused a smoke trap to go off which then the cops saw three people walk in and the police begin to fire. But as the smoke began to clear the cops saw that the three people were 16 kids duck taped to rolling poles 4 per pole. Back to the station holding the kid being apprehended. the kid puts his feet up on a chair and said “Aww it pays to be lazy!”

9
Anonymous

What was Stephen Hawkins favorite childhood song? The wheels on the chair go round and round…

Someone

Who’s the best at musical chairs?

Stephen Hawking

Piss

My gf dumped me so I took her wheel chair

Guess who came crawling back

Anonymous

A blind man walk into a bar…and a table…and a chair…and the counter

0
Anonymous

Helen Keller walked into a bar. And a chair. And a table. And a wall.

0
Ian
in Puns

A boy is sitting in a dentist chair getting braces and a dentist comes in and he’s says Brace yourself!

Anonymous

How do you get four prostitutes on one chair? You turn it upside down

in Emo

How do win an argument against an emo? Kick the chair!