Friend jokes

Me: What's the fifth month of the year?

Friend: May.

Me: May deez nuts fit in your mouth?

How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?

Act like a nut.

My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.

I pushed my best friend's chair in class. Now I kinda feel bad that he was in a wheelchair.

Once my friend saw my wrist, slapped it and said "I like ya cuts, G!"

You have to tell this to a friend:

There are 30 cows in a field. 20 ate 28 chickens. How many didn't? A: 10

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"

A friend asked what an acorn is.

I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”

Me: What’s the definition of “ignorance”?

Friend: Don’t know?

Me: U STUPID!

Why is no one friends with Dracula? Because he's a pain in the neck.

My friend Enyaw is gay, she is a cunt.

Is your hairline and forehead old friends, because they go wayyyy back?

Friend 1: Did you?

Depressed friend 2: I didn't!

Friend one: Swear on your life!

Depressed friend 2: I swear.

A week later friend 2 dropped dead to their utter delight.

One day, during lunch, a Spanish kid came up to my other friend and asked her questions in Spanish, and when she was about to say something, I popped out and said, “GO AWAY OR I WILL SUE YOU WITH BRIANNA’S SEVEN/7 LAWYERS!!!!(AKA, her seven/7 shoes.)”

When you realize your friend standing next to you is adopted and narrates everything he does.

What did the calculator say to his friends? “You can count on me!”

During Halloween, my friend went as a skeleton.

He refused to go into the haunted house. Looks like he was SPINE-LESS.

A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."

TJ's hairline is so far back, his friends don't even want to talk to him.

Me: Yo, dude! Yo mama so fat when she walked by the TV, I missed three episodes!

My friend's mom: Why you bully me?