Friend jokes

I have a trans friend.

He is in a polyamorous relationship and would be straight if they had a dick.

Two friends are talking and one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The friend says, "I was in my car."

I'm not racist, my best friends are black for Halloween. :)

I was with my friend atom the other day. He’s pretty tall . . . Compared to you.

My friend wants to do martial arts, but he's disabled, so I guess it’s partial arts.

I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?

She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"

To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"

You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"

You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."

People's music when friends are around: *rock*

When they are gone: "Come on, vamanos, everybody let's go!"

Friend 1: How can the skeleton tell it was going to rain?

Me: He could feel it in his bones.

Friend 1: No, he read the forecast, you fucking idiot!

Heheh ;3

My friend Amir didn’t have the greatest driving record because of all the car crashes he got in. He only crashed his plane once in a building, so he had a much better flying record.

I'm surprised that the tree is still standing when my emo friend is hanging from it.

I was playing football with my friends, and I got tackled and got a penalty. Suddenly, the ground started shaking, and Penaldo emerged from the mud. He took the penalty, but since it wasn't Andorra, he missed. Shame on you, Penaldo!

Hey Gwen... I had a friend named Gwen in preschool.

The preschool was Cascade Christian and in Washington (which is close to Oregon. I read in a chat that you live there.) This is a long shot, but I think you might be the same Gwen. If not, ok.

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

My friend thinks he is funny.

He told me that the only food that makes you cry is an onion, so I threw a coconut at him.

I have a little John.

Me: Yo mama so fat her alphabet starts with O.

My friend: What's that supposed to mean?

Me: O B C D.

I hate it when ever I bring a girl over, my parents don't care, but when I bring one of my friends that's a boy, they're like, "Keep the door open," and I'm gay.

An American and an Asian walk into a bar. What are your names? the bartender asks. The American says, "William Matthews." The Asian says, "Same Ting."

My friend: "Yo, stupid."

Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"

My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."

Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."