Friend jokes

My friend Richard is always bullying all the little kids in the neighborhood. He is such a dick.

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him with his best friend, so he hires a hitman to shoot his wife in the head, and his friend in the balls. The hitman charges $100 per bullet. The man agrees.

Later, they set up, and the hitman looks through the scope and says, “I can save you $100!”

You: Its nighttime, shouldn't we be heading to bed?

Boy Roommate: Ok, are you Top or Bottom?

You: Uhhhhhhh

Boy Roommate: No dumby, bunk beds.

You: Thank God.

Boy Roommate: But if you wanna, we can...

You: *faints*

I took my friend skydiving once, and he jumped out of the plane without a parachute. Then I remembered he was emo.

My friend: Hey, why are you always smiling?

Me: 'Cause life is a joke and we’re all slacking it off.

Two friends were walking in a forest. They started to fight.

A cannibal came and shouted, "Food fight!"

You need to eat makeup on the inside because, friend, you're so ugly and you're not even pretty on the outside.

Ah, you wanna read a cheeseburger joke for your friends to hear.

Nah, bro, you're just going to get cheese on your burger.

An American and an Asian walk into a bar. What are your names? the bartender asks. The American says, "William Matthews." The Asian says, "Same Ting."

Are your forehead and hairline friends? 'Cause they go way back.

What do you do if your online friend wants to commit suicide? You can't do anything, he's already on line.

Jeffrey Dahmer and his mother are having dinner.

His mother says, “I don’t like your friends.”

Then Jeff says, “You can eat the potatoes.”

*bowl of dark grapes*

Friend 1: I like my grapes how I like my men.

Friend 2: Black? Good one.

Friend 1: 21 at a time.

I only have a few friends, like if you relate.

Based on a true story.

There were two friends talking one day. Tim tells John, "I think I'm gay."

John says to Tim, "What do you mean?"

Tim says, "When I grow up, I want to dress like a woman and sing karaoke in a bar and call myself (Gillette the best a man can get)!"

John says to Tim, "I think you're right, and thanks for reminding me I need to buy razors."

Are your hairline and forehead friends? Because they go way back.

I have more STDs than Hicks has friends at the moment. I only have one.

My friend said, "Where is the trash?" I said, "Look in the mirror, there is the trash."

My friend's mom once told me that when Trump was elected president, she said to my friend: "Hey look, an orange became president. We got an orange as a president before a girl as president."