Finance jokes
Why did the black lady give the IRS a mason jar full of watermelon seeds?
Tax credit.
I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake.
... It was a bittersweet victory.
This is true. Today I was at the mall and there was a guy holding a sign that said, "Need money for strippers and weed."
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snowbank!
Why did the football coach go to the bank?
To get his quarterback!
Memes
Why was the fart on Kickstarter? He just needed some gas.
What is 50 Cent's least favorite store?
The dollar store.
"Give me 5 cents and I’ll grant you a wish."
Ok.
"Thank you, what is your wish?"
I wish for my 5 cents back.
What did the piggy bank say to his piggy friend?
"Ain't you got no cents?"
Piggy: "Actually, no. Just pork."
I once went to the bank with some raisins because I wanted to set up a current account.
What do you call inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
Your so broke your mom can't afford your daddy.
I just donated $100 to a blind children's charity, suck that no one will see it.
The gayest person in the world is Pacman, because I can pay him 50 cents to eat 200 balls.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a third of a beer. The bartender bellows, "Get the hell out of here, are you trying to ruin me?"
Time for a Terraria joke.
What is a worm called when it is with a rich worm for his money?
A gold digger.
(play the game or watch some vids to understand)
Why did the credit card go to jail?
'Cuz it was guilty as charged!
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
A man entered the bank branch and asked the teller to withdraw his account balance. The teller debited his account and gave the man all his money. Then the man counted the money and asked the teller to deposit it back into his account.
The teller asked the man why he withdrew the money and deposited it back. Then the man replied, "I wanted to make sure all my money is safe and tallies with my records."
Lol
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."