Finance jokes
I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.
Yo mama so slutty the abortion clinic gave her a loyalty card and coupon for 20% off her next abortion.
Yo mama is so ugly, when she goes into a bank, they turn off the cameras.
An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Never invest in funerals. It's a dying industry.
I used to be a banker but I lost interest.
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She always ran away from the ball.
Why can’t bikes stand? Because they are two tired (Too tired).
Do you want to hear a money joke? "Never mind, it makes no cents."
If rape was about power, then my electric bill would be a positive balance.
What is money called in space?
Star bucks.
How do women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.
What did the football coach say when he went to the bank?
-"I want my quarterback."
What starts off fun and ends in bankruptcy?
UNPROTECTED SEX.
A: She looks good when she opens her hair. 😮
B: You will look good when you open your wallet. 👛
What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis?
You don't have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck.
What is the difference between a prostitute and a wife?
A prostitute will fulfill your needs with your money; a wife will fulfill her needs with your money.
I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have $999,999.75.
Yo mama so dumb, she thought a quarterback was a refund.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.