Finance jokes

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

If I had a genie grant me wishes, I wouldn't wish for a million pounds. I'd just wish that every time I buy something I just have the right amount of money in my pocket at the time.

If you go broke, you could always rent parking garages on your huge ass forehead.

My gun is like my house, used to be full, now it's empty.

I quit my job at the bank today. I lost interest.

Your mum is so overdue on eBay for £2 so she could get a male stripper.

Your wife dumped you because you are so poor and you are so ugly. You also live under a rock and have no money. You got dumped so hard you can't remember you got dumped.

Nah! You're so poor, you can't afford free stuff!

I was checking my shoe in my dad's wallet, and he slapped me. What exactly did I do to warrant the slap?

Boy: Hello, Mom, can I have $50?

Mom: Does it look like I am made of money?

Boy: That's what M.O.M. means, right?

Why did the orphan rob the bank?

To buy a house.

Why did the black lady give the IRS a mason jar full of watermelon seeds?

Tax credit.

I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake.

... It was a bittersweet victory.

Teacher: “If you got ten dollars from ten people, what would you have?”

Johnny: “A new bike!”

Your hairline is what caused the Great Depression.

This is true. Today I was at the mall and there was a guy holding a sign that said, "Need money for strippers and weed."

Where do polar bears keep their money?

In a snowbank!

Why was the fart on Kickstarter? He just needed some gas.

What did the piggy bank say to his piggy friend?

"Ain't you got no cents?"

Piggy: "Actually, no. Just pork."

"Give me 5 cents and I’ll grant you a wish."

Ok.

"Thank you, what is your wish?"

I wish for my 5 cents back.