Disease Jokes

You're so fat that you cause your heart to have panic attacks.

What type of comedy can't Steven Hawking do?

Stand-up comedy.

TDS? More like STDs.

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a boogie in it!

What's the natural cure to an old man's inability to forgive people?

Alzheimer's.

The image is split into two panels, each featuring a dog with glasses and a turtleneck, with text above. The left panel reads, "me when I call it Tar-jay instead of Target," while the right panel reads, "me when i call it COVID-19 instead of the rona."

What do you call a special needs kid with a motorcycle?

Motor disease.

When I was a kid, I knew a woman named Betty Pears.

She died a horrible death from Alzheimer's.

I thought a pear was a fruit, not a vegetable!

As a son, I am so worried about the phone call message that my mom got from a member of The CDC. It was on speaker, so me and mom both hear. The message told my mom that she needs to personally isolate because two of the new symptoms is having big titties and a great personality.

Q: What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

A: Leukemia.

Why do people shake cigarette boxes?

To wake up the cancer.

What did the girl get for Christmas?

Cancer.

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

What's the difference between a plane and a woman?

At least the plane doesn't give you herpes when it crashes at your place.

What do you call a person whose Lymphoma keeps recurring?

A Lymphomaniac.

My boss doctor said that we are getting a surgeon coming in tomorrow. I'm super excited to work with him. The next day, we had to do our first-ever open heart surgery, so me and the surgeon spent many hours on this patient. We finished the surgery and went outside for a smoke, and we were talking. I said, "Why did you keep the patient's blood on your glove?"

He replied, "We in my free time I test it for anything diseases, HIV." The next day, I got invited to his house, and we had some drinks. I said, "This is amazing red tea. What is in it?" Just the 2000 people you have cut open.

So anyway, this old guy goes to the doctors. The doctor says, "It's bad news, you've got cancer and Alzheimer's." The old guy replies, "At least I've not got cancer!"