Disease jokes

I got in trouble at school today because I told the teacher at school with COVID to stay positive.

This disabled kid walked up to me, so I asked what disease he had. He said, "Lima." So I said, "Come again?" And he said, "Lima nuts." And I asked if that was a fruit, and he said, "No, I'm a vegetable."

Two cows are standing in a field.

Cow 1: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease?

Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.

Ever heard of a rape victim with Alzheimer's?

Yeah, neither have they.

What happens when you have a bladder infection? You're in trouble!

Two guys were walking down the street, and one of the guys told his friend he could talk any blond in the world into giving him a blowjob, any blond!

So the guy bet him 20 bucks and pointed to this cute blond sitting on the side of the road and said, "Alright, let's see it!"

The other guy walks up to the cutie and says, "Hi, my name's Dave, and my doctor just told me that if I didn't get a blowjob from a blond within three hours, the disease I have will kill me in, oh, let's see now, 22 minutes!"

She looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "You mean I could save you from dying right now?" Then she says, "Pull it out!"

Ten minutes later, the two men were laughing and patting old Dave on the back when his friend noticed the blond sitting in the alley bawling her eyes out!

So he walks over to her and says, "I would have thought you would be so happy for saving my friend's life?!"

So she looks up at him just crying her eyes out even worse and says, "I could have saved my dad!"

What game hurts you the more stages you survive?

Cancer.

Coronavirus walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Gimme a shot of whiskey, will ya?"

The bartender says, "Sorry. We don't serve viruses here."

Corona replies, "Well, you're not a very good host."

"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"

"Cancer."

I told my mother I'm a sexy cunt. She said, "No, you got cancer, you twat."

How do you die from Alzheimer's? You forget how to breathe.

What’s the world’s most diseased country?

GerMany.

My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.

If Stephen Hawking is ill, does he go to the doctors or Currys PC World?

What do you call an anorexic bitch with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese.

You're so ugly the whole world faked a virus just so you could wear a mask.

I had amnesia once... maybe twice.

Cancer

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You're so ugly that they faked a whole pandemic just so you can put on a mask to cover that ugly-ass face.

Stop making jokes about cancer... I might sound like a Karen, but it’s not fair... My mum died of cancer last month, and still I cry nearly every night 🙏🏻