Disease jokes
I was diagnosed with a terminal disease. The doctor says my days are numbered.
Now I'm terrified of airports.
What's a cancer patient's favorite food?
Kentucky Fried Chemotherapy
What role does a leper play in the theater?
Voldemort!
What is it you can give at Christmas and still keep? Herpes.
Q. What do you call a person with Alzheimer's?
It doesn't matter. They'll forget what you said in thirty seconds anyway.
Q. What's an Alzheimer's victim's favourite song? A. Stand Down at Sundown.
What's the difference between milk and a cancer patient?
There's none, they both don't age well.
If you think I would joke about Alzheimer's, forget it.
Q. What's the difference between an Alzheimer's patient and a tomato? A. A tomato isn't a vegetable.
I'm not saying you're annoying. But if rectal herpes were a person, it would be you.
It is September. What's the difference between a stage four colon cancer patient and Santa Claus? Santa is coming for Christmas!
I saw an advertisement for colored pens and how they write. They take a blue pen and write "blue," a yellow pen and write "yellow." I was inspired too.
I took a pen, filled it with my blood, and wrote "AIDS."
What’s the best part about stage four cancer?
There’s no stage five.
What's the difference between a child and a cancer diagnosis? At least the cancer grows up and leaves eventually.
What disease do you get from shoving a dirty, rusty piece of metal up your ass? Tetanus.
What’s the worst thing about having a sister with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.
What’s the worst thing about having a daughter with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.
What’s the worst thing about having a wife with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.
What's the difference between a normal person's funeral and a person with polio?
The pose!
My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s.
I said to him, “I don’t remember asking.”