Disease jokes
What STD can you get from phone sex?
Hearing AIDS.
What did the blind deaf orphan child get for Christmas?
cancer.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
What's the difference between me and cancer?
Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.
What do priests give children?
Syphilis.
I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.
Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.
When I was a kid, I knew a woman named Betty Pears.
She died a horrible death from Alzheimer's.
I thought a pear was a fruit, not a vegetable!
Everyone becomes happy when they complete the last stage of the game.
But the cancer patients aren't.
What's the difference between a normal person's funeral and a person with polio?
The pose!
I used to hate foot fungus, but now it's growing on me.
If we send more mosquitoes to Africa, we could save more mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.
My girlfriend got COVID.
This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.
All countries will get Covid.
Except China, they got it right off the bat.
How do sick Mexicans say hello?
"Ebola."
It's all fun and games until they start dancing.
What do you call a special needs kid with a motorcycle?
Motor disease.
You're so fat that you cause your heart to have panic attacks.
How did the cannibal know the girl he was eating for dinner had COVID-19?
She lost her taste.
Your mama is so nasty.
She showed up to Red Lobster with her own crabs.
What is the difference between Nicole Brown Simpson and cancer?
OJ couldn’t kill cancer.