Disease jokes
Yo momma is so fat, when she caught the flesh-eating bacteria, it gave up!
How come lepers don't play cards?
Well, if they lose a couple of hands...
What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?
Hot Wheels.
What’s the difference between cancer and my abusive stepdad?
My stepdad did beat cancer.
Ads for meds be like: Chloroform, it's Chloroform, helps with itchy eyes. Side affects may include Acute Flaccid Myelitis (AFM), AIDS (HIV/AIDS), Alphaviruses, Alzheimer's Disease, Alzheimer's Diseases (Spanish), Arboviral Encephalitis, Arthritis, Babesiois, Cancer, Unintentional injuries, Chronic lower respiratory disease, Stroke and cerebrovascular diseases, Alzheimer's disease, Diabetes, Influenza and pneumonia.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers.”
She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
What STD can you get from phone sex?
Hearing AIDS.
What did the blind deaf orphan child get for Christmas?
cancer.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
What's the difference between a normal person's funeral and a person with polio?
The pose!
I suggested to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hair back.
Apparently, that’s insensitive to someone during chemo.
If we send more mosquitoes to Africa, we could save more mosquitoes from dying of AIDS.
All countries will get Covid.
Except China, they got it right off the bat.
What's the difference between me and cancer?
Well, my dad couldn't beat cancer.
How did the cannibal know the girl he was eating for dinner had COVID-19?
She lost her taste.
My girlfriend got COVID.
This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.
Your mama is so nasty.
She showed up to Red Lobster with her own crabs.
What is the difference between Nicole Brown Simpson and cancer?
OJ couldn’t kill cancer.
What type of comedy can't Steven Hawking do?
Stand-up comedy.
TDS? More like STDs.