Disease jokes
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers.”
She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
What STD can you get from phone sex?
Hearing AIDS.
What did the blind deaf orphan child get for Christmas?
cancer.
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
I saw a girl at my job and we ended up fucking, then the test came back and I have hives from my sister.
I'd make a joke about epilepsy, but the computer started flashing.
I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.
You know what I like most about people with Parkinson's... Their handshake!
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
What's ALS?
Why do-- wait, what am I saying? What am I talking about?
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.
"She obviously has COVID," my wife said.
"Why?" I asked.
My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste!"
A few years ago I had a brush with cancer...
All of the bristles fell out!
My mom told me to be positive...
I was heading to an HIV test.
If you look up the word "wheelchair" in a dictionary, you will see a picture of Stephen Hawking.
Anthony Blinken's life sucks, and getting COVID-19 positive is the only positive thing that ever happened in his entire life!
Michael J. Fox walks into an ice cream parlor.
The man behind the counter asks Michael, "Can I help you?"
Michael exclaims, "I would like an ice cream."
The man behind the counter asks, "What flavor?"
Michael says, "It doesn't matter what flavor, I'm gonna fucken drop it anyway."
What happens when you have a bladder infection? You're in trouble!
Q: What is found deep inside of us, and the more we express our love for each other the more it spreads throughout the world?
A: Covid.
What do you call an accomplished opera singer with recurring gonorrhea?
Standing ovation!
A guy does not know anything. Oh, wait, he has dementia.