Diet jokes
My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.
As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.
Don't make fun of fat people. They already have a lot on their plate.
The black nurse tells me she has been a vegan for 29 years. The father sitting next to me asks, "So you don't miss fried chicken?"
Fat person: "Hey, what's up?"
Friend: "Your blood pressure!"
Scientists say a banana a day is great for the colon.
But you gotta eat it!
Orphans are like vegans, no one ever remembers the nice ones.
Did you hear about the cannibal who converted to Catholicism?
On Fridays, he only eats fishermen!
How do you get a cow to eat?
Give it mooshrooms!
Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?
Because they don't want to admit that meat makes them happy.
Why do lions 🦁 go to SUBWAY 🥪?
Because they like to EAT FLESH.
Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself...
A piece of cake.
What do we want? A cure for obesity.
When do we want it? After lunch.
What does a gay horse eat?
Haaaaaaay!
Man goes to the doctor. He has a banana sticking out of one ear, a carrot sticking out of the other ear, and a green bean sticking out of one nostril.
"Doctor, I'm not feeling well," the man complains.
"Well, it's no wonder," the doctor replies. "You're not eating right!"
How do you properly eat a vegetable?
You tip over the wheelchair.
How do you get rid of butterflies in your stomach?
Stop eating caterpillars.
While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.
Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!
Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.
You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.
One time I ate a chair.
If you were a vegetable, you would be a cute-cumber.
What is the hardest part of a vegetable?
The wheelchair.