Diet jokes

You're fat. Don't sugar coat it because you would probably eat that, too.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Why did the man become stupid?

Cause he was suicidal, herbivorous. Ja...

Why did Kristen Stewart fart on the set of Charlie's Angels? Because she ate too much damn chili for breakfast I made for her. I just forgot to put my foot in it.

Why did the Indian man eat a cow?

Because he wanted to be fat like one.

Someone said to me they like greasy food with gravy.

I said no wonder your forehead's so greasy.

My diet consists of Blood Pudding, I love it and have it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, my secret ingredient though?

It consists of the blood and insides of my victims, it’s a bit chunky sometimes, some bits chewy, some bits hard, but it’s a hearty meal.

What's an old man's favorite food?

Wrinkled onions.

Why do people eat bananas? Because it's a-peeling!

Why can't Asians play cricket?

Because they will eat the ball.

How do you help a rape victim on a diet lose 7 pounds?

Kill her afterwards.

Yo mama so vegetarian that she loves the Vegan Teacher!

Fat.

Why did the alligator see a crocodile?

Because it ate too many humans, and he was sick.

What is an obese lady's blood type?

Nutella.

What is the difference between lettuce and a hamburger?

When the lettuce runs, the hamburger cries.

"-Hey dude, you got some beef? You want some beef from me?"

"- No thanks... I'm vegetarian!"

My dad said I need to eat more. I don't know why, but his fat ass needs to stop eating.

Yo mama eats so much that she spends her whole life on the toilet.

I went to McDonald's to get a Big Mac. It was for his mom cause she was too fat.