Diet jokes
Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."
Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine. But why did seven eat nine? Because seven knew you had to have three squared meals a day.
Why did the orange go blind? Because he was low on vitamin C.
What's the difference between a child and a carrot? About 140 calories.
Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.
Relationships are like fat people.
Most of them don’t work out.
What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?
Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.
Can emos eat a happy meal, or is it a depressed meal?
If you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t like it as an adult.
I guess Hitler was forced to have vegetables when he was younger.
Why are Japanese always so skinny?
Cause last time there was a fat man, an entire city disappeared.
Why don’t cannibal kids eat people with Down Syndrome? Because kids don’t like vegetables.
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
What do you call a cow with no toes?
Lac-toes intolerant.
I'm on a seafood diet, I see food and I eat it.
Your momma's so fat she started "Fat Lives Matter". Meetings are everyday:
11 o'clock McDonald's, 12 o'clock KFC, 1 o'clock Pizza Hut.
I love vegans because they save more meat for us.
Why are obese jokes so offensive?
Because fat people have enough on their plate.
Q: Why did the trans man only eat salads?
A: Because he is a "herbefore."
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?
They'll tell you.
What do you call a gun that doesn't kill anyone?
- A VEGUN.