Diet jokes
Why did the orange go blind? Because he was low on vitamin C.
What's the difference between a child and a carrot? About 140 calories.
Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.
Can emos eat a happy meal, or is it a depressed meal?
What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?
Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.
Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."
Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"
If you’re forced to have it as a child, you won’t like it as an adult.
I guess Hitler was forced to have vegetables when he was younger.
Relationships are like fat people.
Most of them don’t work out.
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
What do you call a cow with no toes?
Lac-toes intolerant.
I'm on a seafood diet, I see food and I eat it.
Why are Japanese always so skinny?
Cause last time there was a fat man, an entire city disappeared.
Why don’t cannibal kids eat people with Down Syndrome? Because kids don’t like vegetables.
How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?
They'll tell you.
What do you call a gun that doesn't kill anyone?
- A VEGUN.
So I heard Kenny's mom got moved to a nursing home.
He'll probably leave her alone now.
He doesn't eat vegetables.
What do cows eat for breakfast? -- Moosli.
Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long if you're fat.
It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Your momma's so fat she started "Fat Lives Matter". Meetings are everyday:
11 o'clock McDonald's, 12 o'clock KFC, 1 o'clock Pizza Hut.