Diet jokes
I hear scientists have been experimenting with a new diet at Cornell University: just straight meat for 7 hours a night, all night long, with a side of alcohol to keep the shop open.
If a skinny person wants to gain weight, does that make them a trans fat?
If you eat pussy, and if you are what you eat, does that mean eating pussy makes you a pussy?
Stephen, are you a vegetarian?
I am a vegetable.
I love vegans because they save more meat for us.
Save the plants, eat a vegan.
What do you get when you cross a vegan and a burger fry-cook?
A shitty plant-based patty.
If a girl is vegan and she's dating a transgender person, does that mean she's eating fake meat too?
I don't joke about vegans. That would be tasteless...
I have no beef with them.
Why do vegans hate sex?
They don't want to say they had a meat in 'em.
Why can't lesbians wear makeup while on a diet?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig while Mary Kay is sitting on their face.
What is a Jamaican's idea of a balanced diet?
A joint in each hand.
Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetener?
She thought it was diet coke.
Q. What movie is a fat person most afraid of?
A. The Hunger Games.
When should you discourage your husband from exercising and dieting? When he wants to fit in your clothes!
When you are trying to write a speech about Columbus, don't make a joke that he was on a seafood diet because the audience might think you and Columbus were fat. You know, 'see food, eat everything.'
If you think about it, taking candy from a baby is good because candy is bad for babies.
Your mama can't walk up the stairs because she eats too much chips.
There's a new Viagra and prune juice diet that's out.
Unfortunately, you can't tell if you're coming or going.
Why would a vegetarian never moan during sex?
They don't wanna admit that a piece of meat made them happy.