Death jokes
Who’s stronger in a relationship, a man or a woman? A woman, because it takes six men to carry him to his grave; it only takes one woman to put him there.
What’s a 9/11 victim’s least favorite song?
Drowning Pool - Bodies.
Leave a man on a plane, and he flies for a day.
Throw a man off a plane, and he flies for the rest of his life.
My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."
Mom: Quit making suicidal jokes!
Me: Don't worry, it will all be over soon, Mom!
Mom: ❓❓❓
Tried committing suicide last night...
Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!
I told a crippled guy he is immortal because he can't kick the bucket.
My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.
My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"
How do you make a sad person jump?
A bridge.
James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.
That moment when the emo kid hangs himself in a bathroom stall, and the autistic kid thinks it's a pinata.
I asked an emo girl, "Do you ever get jealous of your phone when it dies?"
Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...
I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.
They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.
My boss had the heart of a child.
In a jar. On his desk.
A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
Died and came back a cowboy, I call that reintarnation.
An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."