Death jokes
Everyone's had a mind-blowing day before, just ask JFK.
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
How do you make any salad into a Caesar salad? You stab it 23 times.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"
Why did Stephen Hawking die? He ran out of data.
What’s the difference between Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker?
They both died at 95.
I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.
My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
What kind of coffee do they serve at funerals?
Burial grounds.
What did the rope and the tree say to the kid?
Do you want to hang later?
An emo kid walked to me holding a rope, and asked: "Do you want to join my family tree?"
Twinkle, twinkle little star. I hope I'll get hit by a car. I am not dead yet, I hope I'll die. I hope I'll be born to a new whole life.
My poem, roses are red, violets are blue. I will die very soon. 🔪
What do you call a dead baby?
Spawn killed.
I saw an emo orphan by a tree, and I was going to give it a high-five, but instead I just let it hang.
Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?
That's what happened to my dog.
Crucifixion was the first T-pose.
At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.
So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”