Death jokes

Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.

I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.

Kurt Cobain didn't mean to kill himself. He was just so high he thought the shotgun was a bong.

His lyrics are so ironic but so true. "I'm not coming back". "I swear I don't have a gun."

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Give a man a poison fish, feed him for a lifetime.

I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.

They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.

Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?

The grim reaper.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?

This would be much better if you were alive.

A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."

Why did Paul Walker cross the road?

He wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.

Why did Stephen Hawking die? He ran out of data.

How do you make any salad into a Caesar salad? You stab it 23 times.

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"

Died and came back a cowboy, I call that reintarnation.

My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

What kind of coffee do they serve at funerals?

Burial grounds.

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.