Death jokes

I told a crippled guy he is immortal because he can't kick the bucket.

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.

Why do old people swallow popcorn kernels?

To make their cremation more entertaining when they die.

Leave a man on a plane, and he flies for a day.

Throw a man off a plane, and he flies for the rest of his life.

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

Who’s stronger in a relationship, a man or a woman? A woman, because it takes six men to carry him to his grave; it only takes one woman to put him there.

I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.

I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.

James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.

I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.

They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.

My boss had the heart of a child.

In a jar. On his desk.

A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."

Why did Paul Walker cross the road?

He wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"

Why did Stephen Hawking die? He ran out of data.

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

Died and came back a cowboy, I call that reintarnation.

My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.