Why did Stephen Hawking die? He ran out of data.
Death Jokes
What’s the difference between Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker?
They both died at 95.
I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.
My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.
Roses are red, violets are violets, my dad died in 9/11 and he was a good pilot.
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
What kind of coffee do they serve at funerals?
Burial grounds.
What did the rope and the tree say to the kid?
Do you want to hang later?
An emo kid walked to me holding a rope, and asked: "Do you want to join my family tree?"
Twinkle, twinkle little star. I hope I'll get hit by a car. I am not dead yet, I hope I'll die. I hope I'll be born to a new whole life.
My poem, roses are red, violets are blue. I will die very soon. 🔪
What do you call a dead baby?
Spawn killed.
I saw an emo orphan by a tree, and I was going to give it a high-five, but instead I just let it hang.
Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?
That's what happened to my dog.
Crucifixion was the first T-pose.
At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.
So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”
Poor Bubba got burnt up so bad in a house fire that the coroner needed someone to identify the body. So Bubba's two best friends (the three were inseparable) agreed. The first friend said, "Hard to tell, can you turn him over?" The coroner looked perplexed but did so. "Nope, that's not Bubba." The second friend said, "He's burnt up pretty bad, can you roll him over again?" The coroner didn't understand but rolled him over anyway. "Nope, that's not him." Pretty confused, the coroner asked, "How can you tell it's not him by rolling him over?" "Well, you see, Bubba had two assholes." "Impossible," the coroner replied. The friends said, "I don't know, but every time we went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.
What's green and smells like ham?
Kermit the frog's fingers.
