Death

Death Jokes

Autobiography

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.

Suicide

Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

Emo

what's the difference between an emo and an apple? the apple falls to the ground while the emo just hangs there.

Man

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Give a man a poison fish, feed him for a lifetime.

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  • Cliff

    I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.

    They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.

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  • Grim Reaper

    Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?

    The grim reaper.

    Funeral

    What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?

    This would be much better if you were alive.

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  • Suicide

    A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."

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  • Emo

    An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.

    Divorce

    The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

    Salad

    How do you make any salad into a Caesar salad? You stab it 23 times.

    Priest

    A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"

    "Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"