Death jokes

What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.

Patient: What's the good news?

Doctor: I've got you flowers.

Patient: Awww, What's the bad news?

Doctor: They're for your grave.

Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.

How do you make a sad person jump?

A bridge.

Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

what's the difference between an emo and an apple? the apple falls to the ground while the emo just hangs there.

What room does a ghost not want to be in?

The living room.

Michael Jackson died of shock when he found out Boys II Men wasn't a delivery service.

I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.

I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.

Why do old people swallow popcorn kernels?

To make their cremation more entertaining when they die.

My dad died on 9/11. He was a great pilot.

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Give a man a poison fish, feed him for a lifetime.

I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.

They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.

Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?

The grim reaper.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?

This would be much better if you were alive.

A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."

Why did Paul Walker cross the road?

He wasn't wearing a seatbelt.