Death jokes
I will pay someone to kill me.
Don't be scared of skeletons.
They don't have the guts for murder.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
I was in a school shooting a few years ago, 3 people died.
I guess that’s what you get when you’re bad at hide and seek.
My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."
Why do old people swallow popcorn kernels?
To make their cremation more entertaining when they die.
Leave a man on a plane, and he flies for a day.
Throw a man off a plane, and he flies for the rest of his life.
Who’s stronger in a relationship, a man or a woman? A woman, because it takes six men to carry him to his grave; it only takes one woman to put him there.
I asked an emo girl, "Do you ever get jealous of your phone when it dies?"
Welcome to Morgan's Morgue and Pizzeria where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!
What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"
Tried committing suicide last night...
Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!
Mom: Quit making suicidal jokes!
Me: Don't worry, it will all be over soon, Mom!
Mom: ❓❓❓
How do you make a sad person jump?
A bridge.
I told a crippled guy he is immortal because he can't kick the bucket.
James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.
I actually think Paul Walker was a good man, he did not deserve to be burned alive.
He had a change of race tho when he died.
Michael Jackson died of shock when he found out Boys II Men wasn't a delivery service.
Where do suicide bombers go after death?
Everywhere.
I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"