A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."
What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?
This would be much better if you were alive.
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"
Why did Stephen Hawking die? He ran out of data.
How do you make any salad into a Caesar salad? You stab it 23 times.
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
Died and came back a cowboy, I call that reintarnation.
Everyone's had a mind-blowing day before, just ask JFK.
An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.
What’s the difference between Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker?
They both died at 95.
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.
What kind of coffee do they serve at funerals?
Burial grounds.
Roses are red, violets are violets, my dad died in 9/11 and he was a good pilot.
What did the rope and the tree say to the kid?
Do you want to hang later?
An emo kid walked to me holding a rope, and asked: "Do you want to join my family tree?"
At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.
Twinkle, twinkle little star. I hope I'll get hit by a car. I am not dead yet, I hope I'll die. I hope I'll be born to a new whole life.
