Death jokes

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

Where does the orphan go when he's done with school? To the cemetery.

What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

Welcome to Morgan's Morgue and Pizzeria where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!

Michael Jackson died of shock when he found out Boys II Men wasn't a delivery service.

Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.

Patient: What's the good news?

Doctor: I've got you flowers.

Patient: Awww, What's the bad news?

Doctor: They're for your grave.

Once I tried to tell my friend a joke about dead people... but it went six feet underground...

What room does a ghost not want to be in?

The living room.

I was crying when Sasha died in AOT, I also got jealous.

what did the suicidal kid say to the tree?

don't leave me hanging.

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.

what's the difference between an emo and an apple? the apple falls to the ground while the emo just hangs there.

I told a crippled guy he is immortal because he can't kick the bucket.

I actually think Paul Walker was a good man, he did not deserve to be burned alive.

He had a change of race tho when he died.

How do you make a sad person jump?

A bridge.

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

Why do old people swallow popcorn kernels?

To make their cremation more entertaining when they die.

I asked an emo girl, "Do you ever get jealous of your phone when it dies?"

Mom: Quit making suicidal jokes!

Me: Don't worry, it will all be over soon, Mom!

Mom: ❓❓❓