Death jokes

My girlfriend died in Tokyo during a tsunami. I was sad, but my friend told me, "Don't worry, there are plenty more in the ocean."

Mom: Quit making suicidal jokes!

Me: Don't worry, it will all be over soon, Mom!

Mom: ❓❓❓

Tried committing suicide last night...

Never doing that shit again, I almost killed myself!

what's the difference between an emo and an apple? the apple falls to the ground while the emo just hangs there.

My initials are K.M.C.

Which could also stand for "Kill Main Character".

Which I am planning to do in this book I’m writing.

I’m writing an autobiography.

How do you make a sad person jump?

A bridge.

I told a crippled guy he is immortal because he can't kick the bucket.

James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.

I asked an emo girl, "Do you ever get jealous of your phone when it dies?"

I actually think Paul Walker was a good man, he did not deserve to be burned alive.

He had a change of race tho when he died.

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

What did the grim reaper say when his favorite car commercial came on? "Safe life repair, safe life replace!"

Michael Jackson died of shock when he found out Boys II Men wasn't a delivery service.

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

Where do suicide bombers go after death?

Everywhere.

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

Where does the orphan go when he's done with school? To the cemetery.

Welcome to Morgan's Morgue and Pizzeria where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!

what did the suicidal kid say to the tree?

don't leave me hanging.

I was crying when Sasha died in AOT, I also got jealous.