Death jokes
Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.
The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.
The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"
What has more brains than the Columbine students? The wall behind them, xD.
My uncle died on September 11. He was the greatest pilot in all of Saudi Arabia.
What do you call a dead woman in the back of your car?
Idk, I just have a couple in the backseat.
Went to my friend's house, fucked his sister.
I had a fun funeral / birthday.
Q: How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Not three. My damn basement is still dark...
You've probably heard this one before, but screw it.
What's the difference between Jesus Christ and the kid I just killed?
Jesus Christ probably died a virgin.
If you bet on Russian roulette, even if you win, you still lose.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To end his pain and suffering.
I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.
Where did Lucy go after the bombing?
Everywhere.
What happened after Technoblade died?
Everyone got raw pork chop.
Teacher: "I used to be an orphan once."
Student: "That’s sad."
Teacher: "Anyways, who is away today?"
Student: "Your parents."
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What's the difference between oxygen and children? I don't have oxygen in my basement.
I still remember my grandpa's last words, "Stop wobbling the ladder, you cunt!"
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. They went through 80 stories in seconds.
Give a man a plane ticket, he’ll fly for a day. Push a man out of a plane flying 10,000 miles up, he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.
What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."
What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?
They melted him down and turned him into Lego, so kids could play with him for once.