What does a depressed person and a fashion enthusiast have in common?
They both have something hanging in their closet.
A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
I came across a dead body in the woods. I liked it so much I came again.
Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.
Me and my brother were called the twin towers. My brother lived up to his title after the plane crash.
How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?
A blender.
How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?
A straw.
I used to be into necrophilia. Until that rotten cunt split on me...
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To die.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?
I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.
Two scientists walk into a bar. One says, "I want h20." The other said, "I want h20, too." The second scientist died.
So you're in a hospital, you barely survive your suicide attempt. You see one of the scalpels, you finish the job.
Have you heard about the baby with cancer? It never gets old.
"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing, unless you're at a funeral.
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.
Not done yet.
Now they are.
These murder jokes are just KILLING me!
Roses are red, violets are blue, Fortnite is dead and so are you.
What's the difference between a dead baby in a dumpster and a treasure chest? It's a surprise when you find the treasure.
