Death jokes

My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I saw an emo orphan by a tree, and I was going to give it a high-five, but instead I just let it hang.

An emo kid walked to me holding a rope, and asked: "Do you want to join my family tree?"

What did the rope and the tree say to the kid?

Do you want to hang later?

What do you call a dead baby?

Spawn killed.

My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

Poor Bubba got burnt up so bad in a house fire that the coroner needed someone to identify the body. So Bubba's two best friends (the three were inseparable) agreed. The first friend said, "Hard to tell, can you turn him over?" The coroner looked perplexed but did so. "Nope, that's not Bubba." The second friend said, "He's burnt up pretty bad, can you roll him over again?" The coroner didn't understand but rolled him over anyway. "Nope, that's not him." Pretty confused, the coroner asked, "How can you tell it's not him by rolling him over?" "Well, you see, Bubba had two assholes." "Impossible," the coroner replied. The friends said, "I don't know, but every time we went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

Once there were twins, Mark and Michael. Mark was the owner of an old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted.

What's green and smells like ham?

Kermit the frog's fingers.

Why can't Juice Wrld play Black Ops II?

Because he can't handle 6 perks.

I used to be into necrophilia. Until that rotten cunt split on me...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To die.

What noise does Stephen Hawking make when he dies? Windows shutting down theme tune.

I love necrophilia, but only if it's consensual!

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.

Not done yet.

Now they are.

Imagine if on April first the government says, "Hahhaha, you all fell for it. Covid-19 is fake; we actually killed all those people, lol."

If at first you don't succeed,

Maybe Russian Roulette isn't for you.

A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.