Death jokes
I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.
They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.
My boss had the heart of a child.
In a jar. On his desk.
A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
Why did Stephen Hawking die? He ran out of data.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"
Died and came back a cowboy, I call that reintarnation.
An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.
My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
What falls to the ground first if an apple and an emo kid fall from a tree?
The apple because the rope caught the emo kid.
My dad died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.
At every funeral, it's a try-not-to-say-"big mood"-challenge for me.
What did the rope and the tree say to the kid?
Do you want to hang later?
An emo kid walked to me holding a rope, and asked: "Do you want to join my family tree?"
My grandad said I'm too reliant on technology, so I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
What do you call a dead baby?
Spawn killed.
A miscarriage always brings the child out in me.
Poor Bubba got burnt up so bad in a house fire that the coroner needed someone to identify the body. So Bubba's two best friends (the three were inseparable) agreed. The first friend said, "Hard to tell, can you turn him over?" The coroner looked perplexed but did so. "Nope, that's not Bubba." The second friend said, "He's burnt up pretty bad, can you roll him over again?" The coroner didn't understand but rolled him over anyway. "Nope, that's not him." Pretty confused, the coroner asked, "How can you tell it's not him by rolling him over?" "Well, you see, Bubba had two assholes." "Impossible," the coroner replied. The friends said, "I don't know, but every time we went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
What noise does Stephen Hawking make when he dies? Windows shutting down theme tune.