Danger jokes

5 Little Monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Momma called the doctor and the doctor said... "Wait, why are there mines all over the floor?"

The 9/11 and the Spanish flu are kind of similar.

The Spanish flu was a very dangerous flu, and in 9/11, something very dangerous flew.

Little Johnny went to the beach, found some cocaine, and died. The end.

One day I told a kid what 2 x 12 was. He said he didn't know. I said let's go to my basement and figure it out. He is still in my basement trying to do the equation.

Where is a place where people die?

Rosshall Academy.

What is the best type of bath bomb?

A toaster.

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

Oops!

Man yelling at mailman realizes he's opening the mailbox.

Mailman: "There's a pipe bomb in your mailbox..."

You can tell if a woman is angry if she is holding a gun.

Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.

Making a comforting breakfast.

But you have a knife.

What does it sound like when a dragon sings? A fire alarm.

Gently throw a baby off a ten story building!

God, you're more toxic than white phosphorus.

Everyone, just as a warning, stay AWAY from Akeld!

"Ya tryna run? Hop in the van."

What weighs 5 oz. and is very dangerous?

A sparrow with a machine gun, of course!

The teacher was asking some of her students the meanings of words.

"Sally, can you tell me what 'beautiful' means?"

Sally: "You..."

Teacher: "Aww! How nice! But next time, say the actual definition. Now, can someone tell me what 'malicious' means?"

Andrew: "A dangerous person and/or virus."

Teacher: "Great job, Andrew! Now, what does 'fat' mean? Johnny?"

Johnny: "A pig."

Teacher: "Could you tell me the actual defini- "

Johnny: "In other words, the person who last spoke to me!"

I always use chloroform when stealing a child.

Last week I found out my toaster is waterproof.