Knife Jokes

Are you a knife? Because damn, I want you inside of me ;)

Yo mama so fat, I saw her eat with 3 utensils: A spoon, a knife, and a FORKLIFT.

Bring a knife into the shower. NEVER gonna see that coming! He pulls the curtain like ‘re re‘ and you're like ‘re re’ yourself, motherfucker, and stab him right in the eye! You thought the psycho was out there? SURPRISE, the psycho’s IN HERE with the Irish Spring on them!

A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.

Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."

Guy: "What's the bad news?"

Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."

Guy: "Good news?"

Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."

"And then I said, \"Knife to meet you.\""

"You stabbed my brother!"

"It's okay, I'm in stable condition!"

What's a knife's favorite person?

The victim.

I was going to kill them with kindness, but then I realized using a knife is a lot faster.

Little Johnny's dad was driving him to school when they came up on a couple in a convertible. It was apparent that they were arguing. You could then see the woman pull out a knife. Seconds later, his dad saw a penis land in the windshield. Worried little Johnny will see it, he quickly turned on the wipers and brushed it off.

"What was that, Dad?" asked lil Johnny. "Oh, just a bug," said his father. With a confused look on lil Johnny's face, he then says, "That bug sure had a big dick, didn't he?"

When I see lovers' names carved on a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"

One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."

I watch my parents sleep with a knife in my hands. Only got caught once.

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

If the noose breaks, stab yourself!

If the knife is dull, shoot yourself!

If the gun's out of ammo, *YOU'RE HERE TO SUFFER ETERNALLY.*

What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife?

A heartless killer.

"Knife to meet you all!"

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty-three times.

Friend: Hey, wanna play hide and seek? Me: Sure, I've got a great spot! Me: *grabs knife and runs to my closet*

what's the difference between a baby and an onion?

I cry when I chop up an onion.

I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.

when you don't have a phone to play Fruit Ninja and improvise.