The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, “Honey put down the knife we were only talking about getting a divorce.”

A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says " Come! Meet Jesus!" One of the guys takes out a knife and says, “You first”

What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.

“And then I said KNIFE to meet you.”

“You stabbed my brother!”

“It’s okay, I’m in STABle condition!”

Chuck does not cut butter with a knife, he cuts a knife with butter.

So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend. Her boyfriend said “hi.” I said, " knife to meet you."

A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it: Doctor: I have good news and bad news Guy" Whats the bad news Doc: They replaced your toe with a piece of candy Guy: Good news? Doc: You now have tic tac toe

Bring a knife into the shower. NEVER gunna see that coming! He pulls the curtain like ‘ re re‘ and your like ‘ re re ‘ yourself motherf*ucker and stab him right in the eye! You thought the psycho was out there? SUPRIZE the psycho’s IN HERE with the Irish Spring on them!

Knife to meet u all!

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn’t outsmart me.

What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you

My dad…came over late at night…he was drunk…he started telling me how useless I was…then I went to the kitchen grabbed a knife and stabbed him in the chest 47 times…3 minutes later…he died…now I’m losing mind…and cutting myself…

My Countryhumans OC, Sahara, is the daughter of France and Soviet. When people ask why, I tell them it was the gendersnapped version of my parents making me. France (my dad) was drunk and Soviet (my mom) was being horny. Then they judge me, so I judge them with a knife to the chest 47 times.

Why did Jack throw his alarm clock out the window?

Because it reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man who was accused of knife-raping his wife

will: Let’s bring Hannibal a gift today! beverly: Yeah, I bet he’d love that! will: Yey! beverly: What should we bring him? will: holds up a bucket and knife with an insane looking smile come in the bucket!

Brian was shopping at a mall. He hopped onto an escalator. Next to him were two people having an argument. Eventually, one of them pulled out a pocket knife threatening to stab the other. Brian murmured “well that escalated quickly…”

At work: Hey guys I’m gonna arnold clock out now.

Yo mama is so ugly she turned a knife into a statue

me:hi Jaiden bully/Jaiden harper:leave me alone weirdo me:wow says the one who didn’t pass 3RD grade bully/Jaiden harper:"hits" me:calls fbi and puts on gloves and stabs random person then gives knife to Jaiden and takes off gloves"bye bye" fbi:“FBI OPEN UP!!!”

Most embarrassing moment during sex, GO!

James Arnold: my grandma walk in while I was knife raping my wife.