Danger jokes

I stood on the edge of a building and someone yelled, "Do a flip!"..... and I did.

True fact: School shooters aren’t dangerous to you if you're the school shooter.

My friend was in Afghanistan when he saw someone got shot, and then they bombed him. Now he called them the "Talkwakers."

Why are ninjas' farts so dangerous? Because they're silent and deadly.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

"Hold my beer, watch this."

What’s worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with the runs!

What did one twin say to the other?

"Watch out for the plane!"

Imagine a white van. Now imagine a white guy in the driver seat with a sombrero on and his arm out the window, and on the side of the van it says "Free Candy." But there's blood all over the van and a dead clown in the back.

Where did Sally go when she went in the minefield?

Everywhere.

What do you get when you mix a grizzly bear and milk? Mauled.

What's the difference between Michael Joseph Jackson and Mickey Mouse? Besides being a disease-carrying rodent, and one a dangerous pedophile, Mickey Mouse can still touch and go near kids.

Where did Joe go after getting lost on the mine field?

Everywhere.

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly, a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs.

Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

As he threw the mechanical pencil toward me, I knew that if I didn't move, I would be lead into serious trouble.

What is more fun than spinning a clown around on a clothes line at 100 miles an hour?

Stopping it with a pitchfork.

Balloon 1: Watch out for cactus!

Balloon 2: Where is cactussssssss?

What does a baby and a grenade have in common?

They both make a noise when you throw them.

Fact: If you jump off a 12-story building, you will not like the result.

This is not a joke, but if your uncle tells you, "Bend over, touch your toes, I'll show you where the monster goes," don't do it, hehehehehe.