Danger jokes
I was walking in the forest with my gf.
I had a Desert Eagle for protection.
A bear jumped out of the bushes; one shot was enough to put my gf down, and it gave me enough time to run away.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
BaBOOM!
I Googled "How to start a Wildfire." It gave me 28,452 matches.
Why did the blonde run outside naked?
She thought the steam was a gas leak.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
Teacher: What comes after C?
Me: Ooh! Ooh! C4!
Teacher: Umm, ok... but still what comes after A?
Me: AK47!!!
Teacher thought: Oh hell na.
Teacher: What comes after X?
Me: Xplosin.
1 second later, bomb goes off. Idk.
When you're sitting in class and the quiet kid yells, "Lovely day, isn't it?" ... and you see a Glock shape in his pocket.
What do you do when you hear your wife squirming around in the back yard?
Reload... chhchhhh.
What's the difference between a hamster and a cigarette?
They're both harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
What do babies and grenades have in common? They both make a loud noise when thrown.
If you thought other people’s puns are bad, well, you should sea mine.
Are you a toaster?
Because I wanna take a bath with you.
How do you stop a baby from drowning? pt. 2
-Harpoon it.
A blond-haired girl, a brown-haired girl, and a ginger-haired girl were out walking when they came across some tracks.
The brown-haired girl looked at them and said, "I think they are elephant tracks."
Then the ginger-haired girl looked at the tracks and said, "No way, they are definitely duck tracks."
Finally, the blond-haired girl bent down to examine the tracks when she got hit by the train.
I gave a blind kid a pistol and said it was a hairdryer.
School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.
Famous last words of my uncle, (a bomb disposal expert): "yes, the red wire."
Why do people want to jump off buildings?
Because they want to become Superman.
When the school shooter finally leaves your classroom, but then the autistic kid next to you's sketchers light up.
How many times does 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out!