Definition jokes

Stacy: Honey, I'm kinda new to texting, what does lol mean?

Justin: I'm not sure, "lots of love," I guess.

Margaret: Stacy, are you there? I don't know if you heard, but Amber and her three kids were killed in a car crash this morning. I'm in total shock!

Stacy: lol

Morbius is definitely one of the movies ever made. One of the movies of all time.

A boy is working on his English homework and asks his father for some help. "Dad, what's the difference between 'potential' and 'reality'?"

His dad replies, "I'll tell you what. Go ask your mother if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks. Then go ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks. Once you have their answers, you'll know the difference."

So the boy goes to his mother and poses the question: "Would she sleep with Robert Redford for a million bucks?"

She answers, "Don't tell your Dad, but yes, I certainly would!"

The boy then goes to his sister and asks her his next question: "Would she sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks?"

"Oh definitely!" she answers, without a moment's thought.

The boy goes back to his father, an expression of understanding on his face.

"You're right, Dad, I know the difference now. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks. In reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."

A panda goes to see a hooker. He goes down on her, he mates with her, he ejaculates and then he attempts to walk away.

The working girl asks, "Aren't you going to pay me?"

She opens the dictionary to "Prostitute: One who sells sexual companionship for money."

The panda picks up the dictionary and turns to the definition "Panda: A marsupial who eats, roots, shoots, and leaves."

If you look up the word "wheelchair" in a dictionary, you will see a picture of Stephen Hawking.

What is the definition of suspicion? A: A nun doing squats in a cucumber field.

Premise 1: IF God exists, he exists.

Premise 2: If God exists, he exists.

Premise 3: IF God exists, he definitely exists.

Conclusion: Therefore he exists.

I may not be your cup of tea, but I am definitely your 10th shot of tequila.

There are three states you don't mess with when trying to take over the United States:

Alaska because they have three times more guns than people because of the bears.

Texas because, well, it's Texas. Where else have all of the guns been going?

Lastly, Florida. Florida is the absolute definition of Trigger Happy Redneck.

Thanks for the birthday wishes. It's been an odd one this year, as some of you know, my father suddenly passed away on my birthday last year, and anyone who knew the old man knew he had a sledgehammer wit!

Good on ya dad, ya definitely got the last laugh!

You know, they didn't add the word "retard" into the dictionary for nothing.

What does "bitch" mean?

Son asked father, father said it means "you're handsome." Son said, "OK, you're a bitch." Father: "Of course not, I'm not a bitch!"

What's the definition of a bastard?

Answer: A man with a 1 inch dick and a 10 inch tongue and all he wants to do is fuck!

A friend asked what an acorn is.

I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”

What's the difference between 5 cocks and a joke? I can't take a joke.

What is not the definition of prostitution?

A dumb blonde that got money for babysitting. Does it cycle now?

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition or addictionary.

What is the definition of confusion?

Three blind lesbians in a fish market.

Yes, I have gained weight. I have also gained more brains. Do you want some? You talk like you definitely need some more.

What is the definition of auto masturbation?

Fellatio.