Crime jokes
What's worse than ants down your pants? Michael Jackson.
I love me a nice tight pussy. That's why I'm in big trouble with RSPCA.
Johnny had 55 pineapples. He threw three at his friend. How many does he have now?
None, because he was pistol whipped then shot at point blank range with a sawed off shotgun covered in fluoroantimonic acid which burned a hole in his skull causing his brain to melt and rupture nerve cells all over his friends. Then his arms and legs were stuffed into a wheat thresher which was used to harvest the meat of the enslaved children. Then his corpse was molested.
What do you call anal rape?
Ass cream.
If Hillary and Biden got locked in a room together, all they would talk about is how to ruin America and make a plan to steal children.
One day a couple was walking when the man stepped on something hard and squishy, then they heard a sound from the bushes. Instead of looking down, they both ran.
Two years later, they turned on the TV to find Ted Bundy on trial. They asked him if he has ever been caught. He said, "No, but a couple was walking as soon as I killed a girl. I jumped into a bush. They didn't know I was there, but the man stepped on the dead body but didn't look down, then he and his girlfriend ran."
Gwen: Hi sir, how are you?
Tj: Good... you?
Gwen: I am super duper good! And where is your date? It seems like you need one 😉!
Tj: 😏.
Gwen: Here, this is your guest hall pass...you may...come in my friend!
Tj: Thanks but um, don't you think you should be um getting inside too?
Gwen: 🙁 No thanks sir but I have to work...I am the staff so bye! 😁.
Tj: NO!!!!!!
1 day later.
Gwen: 🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕🤰🤰🤰👩👧👦
Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.
The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"
How do you make a baby cry?
You run over it with a lawn mower.
What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown?
Cheater, cheater, woman beater!
My friend got arrested for shooting an unarmed black teen.
He was charged for impersonating a police officer.
Q: What's red during puberty?
A: The blood on my hands.
Why should you always wear rubber?
So you don’t leave DNA evidence.
What's the hardest part of being a pedophile?
Fitting in.
Three old women are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat comes and flashes them.
The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third woman couldn't quite reach.
What did the cops say when someone called him racist?
"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."
If being sexy were a crime, you better lock me up.
Not because I'm sexy, but because I have 5 dead children in my basement.
Why did the MOSFET go to jail?
It had a charge for battery.
What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?
“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”
Did you hear about the guy that was cutting off people's feet and taking them?
It took my sole.