Crime jokes
What do you call someone who used to kill people? An ex-executioner.
I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!
A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.
The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.
The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”
Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding got together back in the day for a horse racing venture. Tonya says, "I'll handle the handicapping, you go ride the 3-year-olds."
Studies have shown that in London, a person is stabbed 24 times a second. Poor bastard!
No one.
Why did God steal a rib from Adam and make a woman out of it?
God wanted to show that nothing sensible can come of stealing!
Why did the coffee file a police report? -- Because it was mugged.
Why can't orphans get 5 stars in GTA? They aren't wanted!
What do Somalians excel at in the United States?
Welfare fraud.
What do most 50-year-old men put inside their cars?
Children.
What does Johnny Depp hate about driving a car?
He can't drink and drive.
I put someone in a wheelchair into the fire and called him "hot wheels."
What does Bill Cosby and someone eating at McDonald's have in common?
They're both mc lovin' what they're eating.
Worst jokes ever? More like I killed an old man in 2012 in Oklahoma City at that nasty Red Lobster, not the one near the freeway, and hid the body in a creek!
What do a bullet and a police officer have in common?
When a bullet kills someone, it gets fired.
Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"
Rape is not a joke.
Our soon to be ex-Justice Minister is trying to distract us from his own misconduct charges by funding advocates for crime victims.
He should fund proctologists too because he'll likely need both after prison.
I would rather be drugged and robbed by Cardi B than listen to her f***ing music.
Yo mama so dumb, when a kid told her to “give her a fag,” she kidnapped Ricardo!