Crime jokes

Why don’t pedophiles win races?

They like to come in a little behind.

Your mother is so fast, she got arrested for carrying 10 pounds of crack.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.

A prisoner dug out of prison. He appeared in a playground. He said, "I'm free, I'm free!" A kid said, "So what? I'm four."

My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? She can wash her crack and resell it.

You go up to a bar and say, "Hi." He doesn’t look at you. You keep saying, "Hi." He says, "What?" Then you realize that he is the one that you stole his lady from, but then he doesn’t give you any drink. You say, "Why?" He screams at you and then says, "YOU'RE FIVE!"

What do you call the Gray Man in an electric chair? Fried Fish.

What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?

“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”

How did the coke seller react when someone told him a joke?

He CRACKed up.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his ass.

Welcome to David's Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!

Why did the MOSFET go to jail?

It had a charge for battery.

What do James Doyle and Hannah Doyle have in common?

John fucked them both in the rear.

Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!

What would you call a person who hides in a house for 24 hours and then kills them?

Morgz.

I knew this one guy who liked to swim with the fishes, then the mob got a hold of 'em...

Did you hear about the guy that was cutting off people's feet and taking them?

It took my sole.

Q: Why did Bill Cosby get away with it?

A: Because the women were all Cosby-ing for it!

Maybe the reason there isn't any physical evidence is because it didn't happen.