Condom jokes
Little off topic but...
Mum: You wouldn't be here without me.
Son: And my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory.
Mum: Fair point.
Dad: Honey!
Mom: What?
Dad: All of the broken condoms are on the bed.
Mom: WHAT!?
Children: *staring*
My sister is really disrespectful, and her famous words are, "You're not my parent!" The next time she says this, I'm going to respond back with, "You're right, because I would have worn a condom to protect from you being born unlike my dad did!"
Mom: Son, where are my condoms?
Son: What are condoms?
Dad: She puts it on me and the sandwich.
Son: Wait, why did my girlfriend come over and take one?
Dad: Um, I don't know, but go to bed.
Son: But it's 2:46pm in the afternoon, bruh.
Jack and Jill went up to an abandoned house.
Jack drank too much and unzipped his fly. Jack said, "You know you wanna." Jill said, "No." So Jack locked both of them in the house and put a gag in Jill's mouth, tied her to a bed. He ripped off her dress and underwear. He took off his pants and his underwear too, then put on a condom. He then put a pill in her mouth and made her swallow. One minute later she was asleep. He took off her gag and mounted himself on her, then stuck his "candystick" in her mouth, next her fanny. Then his condom broke, but he was too drunk to notice. Nine months later a baby's born and Jack's in jail as the father.
Stephen Hawking never used a condom. He used a firewall.
Don’t have sex. Because you will get pregnant. And die.
What are four ways a condom is like a Republican elephant?
1. It stands for inflation.
2. It limits production.
3. It encourages cooperation.
4. It gives you a feeling of security even though you know you're being screwed.
Only if Africans knew about condoms, so many mosquitoes wouldn't die of AIDS.
What's the difference between a used condom and the UCP?
The condom was actually useful at one point.
Who ever said "condom?" YES DADDY!
I thought it would be fun to become a shooter. It became less fun when I realized that "shooting a woman up" also included a condom.
True story: In 1986, in the midst of the HIV epidemic, they made condoms available to the public. At that time, me and my boyfriend were 13 years old. My boyfriend was so happy: "These will make great water balloons!" And I was even happier. I did not have to pack a lunch for school tomorrow, lol.
If you buy two condoms, but you're banging a woman, it's fine, don't throw it away, just make her transgender.
I dunno man, worked for me.
How can a pimp save money in buying condoms for his stable?
Answer: Have his hoes wash and rinse them after every use.
Tyler only has a kid because they don't make condoms the size of Lego Men.
What do you call a fat bitch that eats cum from used condoms? Your mom!
Hogwarts is making a new condom. It's called "fetus deletus."
What’s the difference between women and condoms?
There isn’t a difference; they’re both throw aways.
What did the dick say to the condom?
Cover me, I'm going in. 😚😏