Condom jokes
You're walking one day and a little kid, about 5-6 years old, comes up to you asking, "What's a condom?" You have to give that child the wrong answer, what would you tell them? Comment on what you would tell them.
How do you play chess with a Catholic?
You put a condom on the bishop.
My wife is an optimist. Our first night together, she handed me a Magnum XL condom. I didn鈥檛 know what to do, so I made her a balloon animal 馃巿馃.
Why should you always wear rubber?
So you don鈥檛 leave DNA evidence.
What separates bad jokes from dad jokes?
Condoms.
Tech administrator of a school: Hm, a message from Google security?
Tech administrator of a school: OH SHIT!
Assistant: WHAT, WHAT, TELL ME?
Tech administrator of a school: WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED, WE FORGOT TO SECURE THE SITE!
Assistant: OK, OK, THE KEY IS NOT TO PANIC... let's call the school board.
A FEW MOMENTS LATER
Head of school board: HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a good one, almost as good as the one with Jack, Jill, and the ripped condom! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Tech administrator of a school: HAHAHA yeah I know right *whispers* you are playing it cool, right?
Head of school board: *whispers* yeah we're fucked...
TWO HOURS LATER
Important fat people in one room: OH FUCK OH NO, HELP PLEASE!!!!! WAIT, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TELL THE PARENTS ABOUT THEIR STOLEN INFORMATION!!!
AND SO THAT WAS THE BIRTH OF RIOTING TEACHER
If you buy two condoms, but you're banging a woman, it's fine, don't throw it away, just make her transgender.
I dunno man, worked for me.
Why did the Irishman use three condoms? To be sure, to be sure, to be sure!
What are four ways a condom is like a Republican elephant?
1. It stands for inflation.
2. It limits production.
3. It encourages cooperation.
4. It gives you a feeling of security even though you know you're being screwed.
How can a pimp save money in buying condoms for his stable?
Answer: Have his hoes wash and rinse them after every use.
Another condom name is "Orphan's Home."
What did the penis say to the condom?
"Cover me, I'm going in!"
How do you recycle a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the f *ck out of it!
Don鈥檛 have sex. Because you will get pregnant. 饾搻饾摲饾摥 饾摥饾摬饾摦.
Little off topic but...
Mum: You wouldn't be here without me.
Son: And my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory.
Mum: Fair point.
Jack and Rose went on a cruise to do it in the water.
Jack seldom wore a condom, and now they have a daughter.
Why'd the rubber go flying across the room?
Because it got pissed off!
Burger King got Dairy Queen pregnant during sex, cause he forgot to wrap his Whopper.
Why does the environmentalist pimp have his hoes fuck bareback?
He wants to keep condoms out of landfills.
What did the hot dog say to the condom? "Hot dog condom style."