Can jokes
You know you have weird Indian parents when you can hear them canilingus each other.
A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never seen a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
What kind of food does a lesbian love? Anything they can eat out.
Can never tell a funny 9/11 joke. They always collapse and burn.
I am reading a horror book in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I CAN FEEL IT!
What's the difference between Jesus and Christmas tree lights?
They can both flash.
In case there's a school shooting, the teachers can help out and shoot the kids.
Do you know why most men are impressive cooks?
Because with two eggs and a sausage, they can keep women full for 9 months.
Ex-girlfriend: "I can smell fish."
Ex-boyfriend: "I can smell shit."
Ex-boyfriend: "Well, how many boys swam down there?"
Ex-girlfriend: "20!"
Fish: "It wasn't me. I don't swim around mistakes."
Q: Sex is great, only your mate can sometimes be a little nuts!
(I am still a single young virgin.)
What did the skeleton say to Shrek?
"Jump on me. I can have two layers of skin too."
How can a man make the world safer?
By having the chop.
Little Johnny went up to his mom and said: "Can I have some milk?"
He waited for three hours to get an answer.
His mom finally said: "No, your dad still isn't back with it."
I can find the end of time before I find your hairline.
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?" She is shocked. "Why would you want something like that?" The man calmly tells her, "I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover." The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, "I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!" At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist's husband. She examines it then looks up at him. "Oh. I didn't know you had a prescription."
What does my arm have in common with paper?
They both can be cut.
A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"
The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."
What can you say about planes that you can say about stocks?
They both be flying??
Okay class, who can tell me who the fastest readers are?
The pilots of 9/11 went through the Twin Towers, 6 in 3 seconds.
Am tired of my country!!!! How can two policemen use one gun?