To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket, "You can hide but you can't run."
What do blind kids and orphans have in common? Neither of them can see their parents.
There are some sounds that everyone loves... - Shoes on gravel. - Crackling of fire. - The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you. - Cats purring.
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."
A boy throws his bag out the window.
The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"
The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now."
China should be a baseball team because they can take out the whole world with just a bat.
What's the difference between a maze and a depressed life? One of them you can find a way out of.
After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!
What do me and Monster cans have in common? A barcode.
Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them... But I was just wondering... should I keep the letters?
Any joke can be funny with the right delivery. Except abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.
Why can orphans travel around so much? They never get homesick.
It's sad how families can be torn apart from something as simple as wild dogs.
Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?
You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.
I can measure the speed of an object, because I want to km/s.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents were taken, so he shared with the teacher. So Little Johnny says: "Can I play with your bellybutton? My mom always lets me when we camp." So the teacher says: "Sure." 5 minutes later the teacher says: "Woah, woah, woah that's not my bellybutton!" Little Johnny says: "Woah, woah, woah, that's not my finger."
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.
A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers. Salesman: “Can I see your dad?” Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.” Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?” Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.” Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?” Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”
"Dude, can you believe Republicans are opposed to homosexuality, women's rights, and immigration, yet they are silent when it comes to incest and child molestation?"
"Well, I'm not surprised. Republicans have to win the Alabama vote, or else."
