May jokes

A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied:

"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike. There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, I'm stuck here holding my rod.

I saw a man sitting on the ledge of a bridge the other day, and asked him what was wrong. He responded with nobody loves me, so i told him that may be true but you dont wanna kill yourself you want to die of old age, or at least be murdered, suicide is for the weak. he responded with your right so I pushed him over the bridge, and he died of murder

May our days be abundant, a dance of delight, May I navigate life with courage, taking flight. May our journey be a beauty, a blessing so sweet, May I celebrate friendships, where hearts and souls meet.

May our nights be bright, with laughter and cheer, May we live with love, eliminating every fear. May I grow in kindness, a serenade of grace, May our lives be a marvel, a splendid embrace.

There may be hope for Stephen Hawking yet.

His nose runs.

When someone calls you, say this: "Hi, welcome to Dave’s Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"

Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork, but bigger ones need a crane.

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said, "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today, so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever, and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations, and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode, and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

Hi, I'm Depraashin.

Hi, I'm rope. May I hang with you guys?

What do you call Anne born in May? A Maybe.

You may have a footlong, but I have a SHENLONG. :)

Running out of time to cut the grass, may have to cut it short.

Hello, welcome to Joe’s Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I help you today?

Why do Jedis stay single?

Because they use "divorce" (the Force).

May divorce be with you!

(Phone call) This is Frank's funeral home and grill, where yesterday's grief is today's beef. How may we help you?

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.

After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”

She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

I may not be your cup of tea, but I am definitely your 10th shot of tequila.

Some babies may be delivered via stork, but some bigger babies are gonna need a crane.

It may be weird to let people smell your hair, but grab the phone as soon as the dwarf says your hair smells nice.

Blood may be thicker than water, but yo mama is thicker than anything!