Belief jokes

God = what I hope to be.

Devil = what I can't accept.

I hope to be like Jesus, a dead martyr. I can't accept that my religion is evil.

Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.

Normal person: "I'm perfect!"

Goth person: "Nobody is."

The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.

One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”

“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”

Men and women are not equal, speaking biologically and mentally. I don't care what other feminists say. Men are naturally physically stronger, while women are more mentally stable (sometimes). The internet and the media will lie. You feminists say that you are stronger. Well, you wish. You can't hit a girl because she is more sensitive, but she says she is stronger. Like, what the hell?

We're not sexist men; you're sexist women. And BTW, you'll rot in hell for hating God's creation. And also, men were created before women. Search it up in the Bible or online.

Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.

My friend: What are you doing?

Me: I'm making holy water.

My friend: How?

Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.

Why do orphans go to church?

It’s the only place they can call someone “father.”

You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?

I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Fuck her hahaha 🤣

What do you call an overweight psychic?

A four chin teller.

My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"

"Islam it is."

Why do priests dunk babies in water at their baptism? Because it's important to wash your sex toys.

Why can't science be combined with religion?

Because science creates skyscrapers and planes, while religion combines them.

How do flat-earthers travel?

On a plane.

What do you call a chicken that catches ghosts? A poultrygeist.

Guys, there is no need to worry about anti-vaxxers. The more there are, the less there are.

Believe in unicorns, and they'll believe in you!

Who are you to believe if you don't believe in unicorns?

ICH BIN GOTT.