Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.
Belief Jokes
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Fuck her hahaha 🤣
My friend: What are you doing?
Me: I'm making holy water.
My friend: How?
Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.
Why do orphans go to church?
It’s the only place they can call someone “father.”
You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?
I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.
Why do priests dunk babies in water at their baptism? Because it's important to wash your sex toys.
My friend asked me once, "Is there any religion in the world that preaches a god who masturbates in a closed room?"
"Islam it is."
What do you call an overweight psychic?
A four chin teller.
What's the difference between 5% of priests and 5% of atheists?
5% of atheists have seen a ghost.
5% of priests have spooked altar boys in the sacristy.
Your mama is so fat, even God couldn't raise her spirit.
If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.
If reincarnation is correct, if you die now, you can be reborn and live a second life. If you were born in Ukraine, you can immediately live a third life.
You call it death. I call it peace and quiet.
My son got in trouble for writing the following underneath the question “Do aliens exist?”
“Of course they do! They live in Mexico!”
Like this,
it will give you good luck. See for yourself!
Virgos are always virgins to age 17... Just saying.
Yo mama so ugly, when she go to church they say it's a demon!
Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.
Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!
Why do Jews have big noses?
Because air is free...
Why can't science be combined with religion?
Because science creates skyscrapers and planes, while religion combines them.
