Belief jokes

When Ariana Grande walked into the church, she said, "GOD IS A WOMAN!"

Knock knock, who's there? God.

God who? NO, you idiot, there is no God. I am your father and you have locked me out of my own house!

7 year old Christian: *walks up to atheist menacingly* YoU nEeD sOmE jEsUs SaViNg!

Atheist: You prey to a Jewish zombie and I need saving?

Why do orphans like to go to church?

It is the only place where they can call a father.

What kind of jeans do you wear to church?

Holy jeans!

Like if you love God and Jesus.

What's the difference between Jesus and a dead, naked baby?

I don't worship Jesus.

The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"

"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.

The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."

Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"

When someone says, "Jesus," I say, "Bitch, where?"

Did Jesus die a virgin?

Of course not, he got nailed before he died!

Q: Why didn’t Santa eat the milk and cookies you set out for him?

A: He doesn’t exist, you childish sh**!

If I teach man he is the fish I caught, will I no longer be a fisher of men?

I pray to a dead human I hope to be reunited with.

Jesus, that's sick.

God = what I hope to be.

Devil = what I can't accept.

I hope to be like Jesus, a dead martyr. I can't accept that my religion is evil.

Why can't religion and science agree?

Because science creates skyscrapers, and religion combines with skyscrapers.

There never was a historical Jesus Christ. Hey, do not even dream of crucifying me.

Some people put zodiacs on everything.

They said they couldn’t go to the party because of cancer.

Why don't churches have WiFi?

They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.

Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.

Normal person: "I'm perfect!"

Goth person: "Nobody is."