How do you pet a psychopath's cat?
You get it out of the microwave.
There once was a brother and a sister. So, one night, it's storming really bad and the sister goes into the brother's room and asks, "Can I stay with you tonight because I'm scared?" The brother replies with, "Yeah, sure, but just don't tell Mom." So the girl climbs into the bed and looks under the sheets to see the boy's penis and asks, "What's that?" And the boy replies with, "That's my pet snake." And the girl asks, "Can I pet it?" And the boy says, "Sure, just don't tell Mom." And the boy falls asleep and wakes up in a hospital and asks, "What happened?" And the girl said, "I pet the snake but it spit on me so I bit its head off."
I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday. Oh, don't worry, he's okay now. But the vet charged me six quid.
Very sad today found my pet mouse ' Elvis ' dead this morning, he was caught in a trap .
One day my pet bark at me and so I got scared anWas my dad actually it was weird you should’ve saw him and so the goes on in the day because he likes to run around The house that he likes to do it out 😂😂😂😂😱
what was Steven hawking pet?
a hawk.
What did the bounty hunter call his favourite dog. His bobba pet
I wanted to visit my pet fish, but it was hard to sea it through the darkness (?)
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
My dog kept chasing people on a bike. Eventually, it got so bad I had to take his bike away.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.
Onions was a good dog.
I named my dog 5-Miles, so now I tell people, "I walk 5-Miles every day."
I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.
Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
A girl and a dog were dropped off at an orphanage. Why was she crying before she went in? Because the people came back for their dog.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It don't matter what you call it. It ain't coming.
What do you call a dog with no legs? -- Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
I would name my dog "Five Miles" so I could say I walk five miles every day, but today I ran over Five Miles.
Wacko Jacko bleached his skin, lit his head on fire, slept in a chamber, abused his pet monkey, built an amusement park in his own backyard, had toys as decor for his home, slept with little boys, raped little boys. Jacko was Florida Man before Florida Man.
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a Shitzu.
