Belief jokes

Your mama is so fat, even God couldn't raise her spirit.

Virgos are always virgins to age 17... Just saying.

Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.

Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!

Like this,

it will give you good luck. See for yourself!

Yo mama so ugly, when she go to church they say it's a demon!

If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.

You call it death. I call it peace and quiet.

If reincarnation is correct, if you die now, you can be reborn and live a second life. If you were born in Ukraine, you can immediately live a third life.

My son got in trouble for writing the following underneath the question “Do aliens exist?”

“Of course they do! They live in Mexico!”

Guys, there is no need to worry about anti-vaxxers. The more there are, the less there are.

Believe in unicorns, and they'll believe in you!

Who are you to believe if you don't believe in unicorns?

ICH BIN GOTT.

So, a man goes to church and is dipped in water three times by a Priest as he says, "From now on your name is Michael, and you will shed your sins of gambling and alcohol."

Soon after, the man heads home and rushes to the fridge to grab a can of beer. He turns on the sink and dips the beer can in the water three times while saying, "From now on you will be known as Not Alcohol."

What's the difference between a surgeon and God?

God knows he's not a surgeon.

Adam and Eve are wondering whether they are black or white. Eve says, "Why don't you go and ask God?"

So Adam goes into the Garden of Eden and shouts out to God, "Are we black or white?" A big booming voice bellows out, "You are what you are."

He immediately goes back to Eve and tells her that they are white. "How do you know?" asks Eve. "Because he said, 'You are what you are,'" Adam replied. "Why does that mean we are white?" asked Eve. "Because if we were black, He would have said, 'You is what you is.'"

What do you call a fat woman that prays?

A holy cow.

Mary is hanging out, and the angel Gabriel descends behind her. She looks behind her and says, "Jesus Christ!" and the angel Gabriel said, "So you already know."

What did the terrorist say to the 72 virgins?

"Just so you know, 5 inches is REALLY big!"

Of course Jesus wasn't a virgin! He obviously liked being nailed!