Bed jokes
A kid goes to bed with his dad because he’s scared of the dark. Turns out he just wanted to have sex.
I was listening to my children praying, and my youngest that can speak said to me: "Mama, why is Gramma dead?"
I smiled and told her, "Well, less than 10 years ago when I was 5, your age, my Momma took me into the basement with some hot rando during a party. And 9 months later Shinana was born. One Pedo after another and your 4 siblings were born. The Pedo I met last night told me, 'If your mother's the one making you do this, do what you do best.' I listened and the next day she didn't leave her bed breathing. When the Pedo found out he left me and your soon to be brother."
She replies with, "Make his child support expensive!" Now he has to pay me 2,000 U.S. dollars every month, like the other ones that ran away.
What does Santa say for the toys to go to bed?
"Time to hit the sack!"
How do you get a black kid to stop jumping on your bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.
Tell your mom happy last night. 🍆 in my bed.
Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."
Kid: "OK THANK YOU."
(AT BED TIME)
Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"
Ben: "I'm not."
(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"
Your momma's so fat, when she asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean.
My friends:
Maya: I only get 9 hours of sleep.
Josh: 9 hours? I get 7 hours of sleep.
Noah: You get 7? I get 4 hours of sleep.
Me: You guys are getting sleep...
Two people about to have sex realize they have no lube.
In their desperate, horny haste, they looked for the nearest "Downy" and asked it, "Speak into my hand."
Upon their return to the bed, they regretted it immediately because his dick just stayed down...
Q: What's the similarity between a dog and a bed?
A: I can jump on my bed. A: And I use a pillow on both of them.
Are you a blanket? Because I love it when you’re on top of me.
Whenever I go to bed, my wife disappears, but whenever I turn on the lights at night, she’s back in bed.
The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.
Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.
I think my dad is too black because whenever he goes to bed and closes his eyes, he disappears. 🤣
What do people say to knights when they go to bed? Good knight!
Why do orphans want to be dogs?
Because they want their own bed and food.
When I go to bed, my mother comes in ten minutes later with a brick and beats me with it.
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?
What time is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
Joe mama so fat, she fell on both sides of the bed.