Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"
A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”
He responded with, “The cat is dead.”
She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”
“She’s playing on the roof.”
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
Why do orphans live on the street?
They don't have parents to put a roof over their head.
What is the best way to catch a baby from falling off the roof?
With a pitchfork.
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
if an emo doesn't get better by Christmas Santas reindeer won't be the only thing jumping off roofs this year
Person: Where do I commit suicide?
Dog: Roof.
Person: Good idea.
My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!
Two antennas got married on a roof. The ceremony was horrible, but the reception was great!
There's four people on a roof: a Mexican, an Asian, a black guy, and a white guy. The Mexican walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. The Asian also walks over to the ledge and says, "This is for my people," and jumps off. Then, the black guy walks over to the edge and says, "This is for my people," and pushes the white guy off.
What does a skeleton put on his roof?
Shin-gulls.
What's the similarities between Spiderman and a homeless person?
They both have no way home!
If I'm still single by Christmas, Santa won't be the only one jumping off a roof.
A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.
On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.
The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."
I started selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are through the roof!
How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin you slice them. -Hope Marie Lawson
What did the Mexican man say when his house fell on him?
"Get off me homes."
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Super Power Beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? I doubt it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, and lands with no damage whatsoever. He walks back into the bar.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Let me have some!” The man grabs the beer. He drinks it, jumps off the roof — and falls 15 stories to the ground.
Splat.
The barman says. “You know, you’re a real idiot when you’re drunk, Superman.”
What do you call a homeless Hitler?
A roofless dictator.
