Jesus

Anonymous

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day. Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” shouts Molly.

“Correct,” says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, “Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?”

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack’s pencil.

“Jesus Christ almighty!” she shouts.

“Correct again,” says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, “What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?”

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time I’m going to crack it in half!”

Car

Harley

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

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Night

Your name (optional)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”

Toe

Anonymous

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? The cabinet had sleeping pills.

Puree

PapaPony

Stephen Hawking’s death was purely accidental. He clicked “shut-down” instead of “sleep”.

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Difference

Anonymous

What’s the difference between light and hard?

It’s easy to get to sleep with a light on.

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Wife

Madison R.

Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills.

Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him?

Doctor: They Are For You.!!

Sadness

Funny but sad.

I am Funny but sad. I submit jokes you’ll love. anyway…

Little Jimmy asked his mom if he could take a bath with her since he was scared if being alone. She said “sure just dont look up”. He looked up and said " woah what are those?". She replied " those are just headlights." He looked down and said “what is that?” She said that’s just a bush." The next day mommy wasnt home so he asked to take a shower with his papa instead. He said “okay but don’t look up.” He looked up and said “woah what is that?” His papa replied “that’s just a snake.” Later that night he asked to sleep with his parents. They said “okay just dont look under the covers.” After a while he grew bored and went under the covers. Jimmy screamed “mom turn on the headlights the snake is in the Bush!!”

Darkness

Limping Idiot 143

Chuck Norris sleeps with the light on, not because he is afraid of the darkness, but because the darkness is afraid of him.

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Sea

clarityrulz

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was ‘sleeping with the fishes’. At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

Sister

Anonymous

My conversion therapy done worked. Now I only sleep with my sister and not my brother.

Forehead

cneal04

Johnny is very attached to his parents, he asks to take a shower with her when she gets in. He looks down and asks "whats that?"The mother replies "that’s my garage" he looks up and asks what are those? The mother responds “those are my headlights.” He then goes and takes a shower with his dad. He looks down “daddy whats that?” The dad replies “that’s my car.” He goes to sleep that night and wakes up because of a bad dream. He goes and tell his mother and she says “you can lay with me.” He falls fast asleep then wakes up once more because of falling off the bed he gets back up and gets under the covers. Then he feels the bed moving he looks under the covers to investigate and see’s them going at it he then yells “mommy turn on you’re headlights daddy’s parking his car in you’re garage!” THUD

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Girlfriend

funny-rex

my girl is so cute when she sleeps I watch her all the time……………….tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time

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Woman

Anonymous

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it… He’s gay, definitely gay.

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Bull

Evan Turner (PORTLAND)

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!

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Baby

Anonymous

How does you make a baby astronaut sleep? You rock-it

Bag

Anonymous

what do you call two Mexicans in a sleeping bag

A Twix

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Puns

Anonymous

Why was the man running around his bed?

Because he needed to catch up on his sleep!!

Depression

Jasmine

Me: Mom I’m tired

Mom:then go to sleep

Me: No you don’t understand-

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Girlfriend

Anthony joselnik

My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me. The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment. With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.

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