Remote Jokes

what do you call a suicide bomber in a weelchair?

an rcxd (remote control explosive)

Kid: " Mom I had a scary dream can I come sleep with you and dad " Mom: " sure sweetie sleep in the middle " Kid: " Dad can you get the remote out of my back " Dad: " That isn't the remote "

*Weird background music*

Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-" me: power button

I'm not racist, I have a colored TV.

Why did billy kill himself with a tv remote? He wasn't even REMOTELY close to being happy.

Batteries batteries who the batteries in your remotes and everything else you got in your house is turned upside down

What is the difference between an Isis training, camp and a school?

Not sure I just fly the drone

So I was watching tv right? then i f..ing got banged in the eye with either a remore or metal tongs "wtf"

One day I went to talk to my friend. "Hi John!" I said. No response. "Oh yea." I went to pick up the remote and clicked the unmute button. "Hope that helps."

What did the walrus say when they lost the remote......Walrus the remote

A FED EX plane was carrying 375 fridges across Africa but the cargo door wasn't shut properly but only 218 reached the desired destination. The rest landed in a remote village. How many fell out the plane?

Time's up! You took too long you only had 4 seconds to answer it.

How do you put an elephant into the fridge that pushed out the cargo door?

Open the fridge, put the elephant in and close the door.

How do you put a giraffe into the fridge?

Open the fridge, take out the elephant. Then put in the giraffe and close the door.

Why did sally fall off the swing?

Because she got hit by the other 156 refrigerators.

How did she survive?

Her idiot mother tried to pull her out and accidentally ripped both her arms off. But she was rescued 8 minutes later.

1,2 u bulet like a dork 3,4 u got no girl,4,5 ur shorter then a remote

why did the school go remote because the teachers wanted to play with remotes

I hope all of you had a great merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, a good whatever you celebrate! I got so much this year, over $300 of fishing gear, a small 2011 coin mint collection, some coins from the Nazi party, a remote control car, 100 dollars, and more. Say what you guys got in the comments

31. During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

32. Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance. "See that over there? What is that?", says the first crow. The second crows takes a long look, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it." "How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?", replies the first crow. "Look at it's hand. No cellphone", says the second crow.

33. Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish. “I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish. “I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends him back home. “I’m lonely,” says the third friend. “I sure wish my friends were back here."

34. A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?” “I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

35. After Sunday church, the priest would hand us each an orange and a big cookie. A little girl once lied and took two oranges, but the priest told her she mustn't lie because God is watching. Then, the girl took two cookies and lied about it. When asked why she had done that, she said because she thought that God was only watching oranges.

36. I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital. I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts. When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, "Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder."