Bed jokes

What time is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?

One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."

What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

"Wait, I can explain everything!"

There were two guys in an asylum. One was named Kenny, and the other was Bob. The nurse went down the hall and saw Kenny acting like he was packing his bags. The nurse said, “What are you doin', Kenny?” Kenny said, “Going to Florida for the week.” The nurse said, “Alright, see ya when you get back.”

Next day, the nurse went down the hall again and saw Kenny lying down acting like he was holding a wine glass. The nurse said, “What are you doing, Kenny?” Kenny said, “I am at the beach.” The nurse said, “Oh, I forgot you're in Florida for the week, see ya when you get back.” Bob's room was across the hall. The nurse went further down the hall and saw Bob on his bed jerking off. The nurse said, “Goddamnit, Bob, what are you doing?” Bob said, “Shhh, I am fucking Kenny's wife right now, he is in Florida for the week.”

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle Joe last summer."

Me: "Oh man, things are really happening for me! I have so much to do!"

Depression: "Lie in bed."

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to.

Unless you are in prison.

Did you know that Americans fall out of both sides of the bed?

What did the mommy cow say to the baby cow?

It's pasture your bedtime.

Are you a blanket? Because I love it when you’re on top of me.

Did you make your bed this morning? Wanna unmake it together?

Q: What did Britney say to Kevin when they were in bed?

A: "Hit me baby one more time."

Why do orphans not care about sleep? Because they have no one to wake up to.

How do parents punish their blind kid? They move the bed.

Joe mama so fat, she fell on both sides of the bed.

How do you get an orphan to go to sleep?

Tell them their parents are waiting when they wake up.

Why does Darth Vader always choke people?

Because he wants them to feel what his Sith Lord does to him in bed.

My friends:

Maya: I only get 9 hours of sleep.

Josh: 9 hours? I get 7 hours of sleep.

Noah: You get 7? I get 4 hours of sleep.

Me: You guys are getting sleep...

Why do homeless people commit crimes?

They get a bed in jail.