Animal jokes
My dad has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?
Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.
What did the priest say to the skunk?
Let us spray.
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
What do cows listen to on headphones?
moo-sic.
What’s a bird’s favorite movie?
The Parrots of the Caribbean.
Q: Why did the Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was hit by the first Koala.
Q: Why did the third Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it thought it was a game and joined in.
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.
What is the last thing that goes through a fly's head when it hits the windshield?
Its butt.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.
What do you call a short cow in tall grass? Udderly tickled :)
One time I saw a manatee all spray painted to look like a tiger. Needless to say, the first thing I yelled was, "OH! THE HUMANATEE!"
I got udder jokes too.
What's the difference between a T-Rex and your sister? I can't stick my dick in a dinosaur.
What happened when the cheetah took too many baths?
He became spotless!!!
What do you call a white duck?
A quacker.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.
I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."
He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"
"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."
Why can't Chinese play baseball?
Because they eat the bats.
What do you call a mountain of kittens?
A meowtain.