Animal jokes
What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?
Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.
What did the priest say to the skunk?
Let us spray.
What do cows listen to on headphones?
moo-sic.
Q: Why did the Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was hit by the first Koala.
Q: Why did the third Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it thought it was a game and joined in.
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.
What is the last thing that goes through a fly's head when it hits the windshield?
Its butt.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.
Why did the cow jump over the moon?
Because the farmer had cold hands!
One time I saw a manatee all spray painted to look like a tiger. Needless to say, the first thing I yelled was, "OH! THE HUMANATEE!"
What do you call a short cow in tall grass? Udderly tickled :)
I got udder jokes too.
What's the difference between a T-Rex and your sister? I can't stick my dick in a dinosaur.
What do you call a white duck?
A quacker.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
What happened when the cheetah took too many baths?
He became spotless!!!
Why can't Chinese play baseball?
Because they eat the bats.
What do you call a mountain of kittens?
A meowtain.
I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.
I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."
He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"
"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."
I was cooking eggs the other day. It was very egg-citing, although, I was exaggerating, but, if you think that wasn’t funny to you, then you’re hard-boiled. That’s all for today, yolks! So I said before several cats starting fighting, that sh*t was a catastrophe. These kittens were all like “You’ve gotta be kitten me.” Meanwhile, in the ocean, they just waved, see what I did there? You shore you didn’t? Oh, alright, that’s okay bud- I guess these ocean puns are too deep for you. No? Okay- but, you know why the skeleton was lonely, eh? Oh, cause he had no body. Why didn’t the skeleton ask the girl out? He didn’t have the guts. What did the skeleton do to his gf? He boned her. No? Alright. Those didn’t make you laugh? Maybe I should hit your funny bone.
So, a bear and a rabbit are in a field. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Does your poop stick to your fur?" The rabbit replied, "No." Then the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt.