Animal jokes

What has two legs and is red all over?

Half a cat.

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"

Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Reporter: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."

Reporter: "Holy cow!"

Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."

Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"

Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."

Reporter: "Oh dear!"

Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

What do you call a pig with no legs?

A groundhog.

How do you know cat's don't always land on their feet?

Mufasa.

What is a cow's favorite drink?

Mountain Moo!

What’s a homo police dog?

A gay-9.

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a Scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about, making a horrible sound. The bartender says, "Hey, looks like he can't play that!" and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"

How do you make a cat go "woof"?

... douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! "woof!"

What do you say when you see a pig making bread?

He's bacon.

Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek?

No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.

What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

What did the priest say to the skunk?

Let us spray.

What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?

Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.

What do cows listen to on headphones?

moo-sic.

What’s a bird’s favorite movie?

The Parrots of the Caribbean.

What’s the difference between a hoe and a rooster?

A rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-doo," and a hoe says, "Any cock will do."

What do chickens play in the pool? Marco Polo.

Q: Why did the Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was hit by the first Koala.

Q: Why did the third Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it thought it was a game and joined in.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.

What is the last thing that goes through a fly's head when it hits the windshield?

Its butt.