Animal jokes
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side. Y'all knew this one, fr.
You wanna know proof that cats don't always land on their feet? Well then, watch The Lion King.
I told her she needed to put her dog on a leash, and her boyfriend is still on a leash to this day. 😮💨
I like turtles.
What do tigers wear in the winter?
A striped sweater.
Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?
A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
What has two legs and is red all over?
Half a cat.
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
What is a cow's favorite drink?
Mountain Moo!
How do you know cat's don't always land on their feet?
Mufasa.
What’s a homo police dog?
A gay-9.
A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a Scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about, making a horrible sound. The bartender says, "Hey, looks like he can't play that!" and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"
How do you make a cat go "woof"?
... douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! "woof!"
What do you say when you see a pig making bread?
He's bacon.
Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek?
No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.
What did the priest say to the skunk?
Let us spray.
What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?
Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.