Animal

Animal jokes

Octopus

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a Scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about, making a horrible sound. The bartender says, "Hey, looks like he can't play that!" and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"

Cat

How do you make a cat go "woof"?

... douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! "woof!"

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  • Cheetah

    Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek?

    No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.

    Memes

    Hamster

    What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?

    Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.

    Peanut Butter

    What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?

    Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.

    Hoe

    What’s the difference between a hoe and a rooster?

    A rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-doo," and a hoe says, "Any cock will do."

    Koala

    Q: Why did the Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was dead.

    Q: Why did the second Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it was hit by the first Koala.

    Q: Why did the third Koala fall off the tree? A: Because it thought it was a game and joined in.

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  • Kilt

    Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

    Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.

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  • Fly

    What is the last thing that goes through a fly's head when it hits the windshield?

    Its butt.

    Cow

    What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.

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  • Cow

    Why did the cow jump over the moon?

    Because the farmer had cold hands!

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  • Tiger

    One time I saw a manatee all spray painted to look like a tiger. Needless to say, the first thing I yelled was, "OH! THE HUMANATEE!"

    Cow

    What do you call a short cow in tall grass? Udderly tickled :)