Animal jokes
Why is a bee's hair so smooth and sticky?
Because they use honeycombs.
Why was the dog stealing shingles?
He wanted to be a woofer.
What's a penguin's favorite relative?
Aunt Arctic.
What does a lesbian and a sea turtle have in common?
They both choke on plastic.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn. It's impeccable.
Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?
A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.
Why couldn't the lizard get a girlfriend?
Because he had a reptile dysfunction!
What has two legs and is red all over?
Half a cat.
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
How do you know cat's don't always land on their feet?
Mufasa.
What is a cow's favorite drink?
Mountain Moo!
What’s a homo police dog?
A gay-9.
A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a Scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about, making a horrible sound. The bartender says, "Hey, looks like he can't play that!" and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"
How do you make a cat go "woof"?
... douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! "woof!"
What do you say when you see a pig making bread?
He's bacon.
Why was the cheetah so bad at hide and seek?
No matter where she hid, she was always spotted.
What’s a bird’s favorite movie?
The Parrots of the Caribbean.
What do chickens play in the pool? Marco Polo.
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.