Animal jokes
What do you use to strap an eagle's nest together?
An eagle-lastic band!
I told my kids to smile with the monkeys in the open zoo.
They never got together at all.
What what's the cloud private place to go? Among us, cows.
What do you call a cow that doesn't stop shaking?
A milkshake.
Octopus, more like octopussy.
Why is the cheetah so fast?
Because it can't walk slow.
At a date:
He: "I work with animals every day."
Me: "Oh, how sweet! What do you do?"
He: "I'm a butcher."
I fiddled your mum last night, she fucking moaned like a fucking wilder beast.
No one wanted to hear my ocean puns, they said they were too fishy.
What is a fish without an eye?
A fsh, LOL!
What did one mouse say to the other mouse when it tried to steal the cheese?
"That's nacho cheese!"
What do you call crocodiles that don't say "swim" every day?
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toed.
Why was the elephant woozy?
Because he was trunk.
Why can't you play memory snap in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
How do you hire a horse? Easy. Just put up a ladder.
Why can’t orphans have a horse?
Because they run away like their mum did.
Which animal is the least trustworthy?
What college do cows go to?
The Mooniversity.
A woman goes to buy a parrot.
There is one for 200, 500, and one for 15 bucks.
She asks why the last one is so cheap.
The man at the counter says, "It used to live in a brothel/sex house."
The lady buys it anyway.
When she gets home, it says, "Fuck me, a new brothel!"
When her daughters get home, it says, "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!"
When the father gets home, the parrot says, "Fuck me, Daryl, haven't seen you in the brothel in weeks!"