Animal jokes

I was cooking eggs the other day. It was very egg-citing, although, I was exaggerating, but, if you think that wasn’t funny to you, then you’re hard-boiled. That’s all for today, yolks! So I said before several cats starting fighting, that sh*t was a catastrophe. These kittens were all like “You’ve gotta be kitten me.” Meanwhile, in the ocean, they just waved, see what I did there? You shore you didn’t? Oh, alright, that’s okay bud- I guess these ocean puns are too deep for you. No? Okay- but, you know why the skeleton was lonely, eh? Oh, cause he had no body. Why didn’t the skeleton ask the girl out? He didn’t have the guts. What did the skeleton do to his gf? He boned her. No? Alright. Those didn’t make you laugh? Maybe I should hit your funny bone.

Why do sharks swim in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze.

It’s not rape if she’s a dead bear and I lost my job at the circus.

Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A pitbull dog coming back from the kids playground.

God: ok, what if I made an evil land octopus that could walk on walls?

How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.

What did the butcher say to the pig?

Nice to meat you.

Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.

Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?

Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud.

What do you call a sick eagle?

Ill-eagle! 😂

What do cats eat for breakfast?

"Mice Krispies!"

You know a piranha can devour a small child in 30 seconds. Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

Your uncle Jack is stuck on a horse. Will you help Jack off a horse?

Little Johnny was late to school one day, and Miss Brown asks, "Johnny, how come you're late to class?" And Johnny says, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and started fucking the white cow." Miss Brown said, "Johnny, don't use that word. Next time you want to say that, use the word 'surprised'."

The next day Johnny was late again, and Miss Brown said, "Johnny, why are you late?" And Johnny replied, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and 'surprised' the white cow." Miss Brown said, "That's much better, Johnny." And Johnny said, "Yeah, walked straight passed it and started fucking the black one."

Two cats called "1,2,3" & "un, deux, trois" had a swimming race across the channel.

1,2,3 cat won because un, deux, trois cat sank!

What’s the difference between an alligator and a child?

You can’t abuse an alligator.

So, a bear and a rabbit are in a field. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Does your poop stick to your fur?" The rabbit replied, "No." Then the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt.

What do you call a cool octopus?

Tenta-cool (tentacle)

I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put it down.