Age jokes
Yo momma's so old that even scientists get baffled about where she lived before Earth was created.
What do women and dog turds have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Yo mama is so old that she was born on the first day the universe existed.
Doctors in the Middle Ages, Plague doctor: "I must have some herbs to block out bad air."
Doctors now: "God, WTF were we doing back then?"
L bozos fell like my grandma on the stairs.
What do Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker have in common?
They both died at 95.
My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “We'll see about that.” Then I unplugged his life support.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh, my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the fucking sheet rock!"
Why can't an orphan get a tattoo at a young age?
They don't have parent permission.
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye, matey!
I'm 43 and my date is 19. A man rudely comes up to our table and calls me a pedophile. I told him to fuck off, this is our 10th anniversary.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
"Aye, matey."
My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. I asked her why. She said, "Because you're a pedophile." I replied, "Pedophile! That's a big word for an eight year old."
Yo mama's so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her... she had really bad balance.
What’s the difference between Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker?
They both died at 95.
Mother, father, and a son. Father purchased a robot that can detect lies. The robot slaps when you lie.
During dinner time: Father: Son, what have you done today? Son: I watched Netflix, Dad. Robot: Stood up and slapped the son! Son: Okay! Okay! I watched porn, Dad. Dad: What? You watched porn? You are only 14! I never knew porn till I was 18 years of age. Robot: Stood up and slapped the Dad! Mother: Started to laugh and said "Sure he is your son!" Robot: Stood up and slapped the mother!
Hehe
Yo mama is so old that when she was in history class as a kid, all they learned about was themselves!
Why did Joe Biden pull out of the Afghanistan war?
Because it was over 18 years old.