Aed jokes

I asked what LGBTQ stands for, and I couldn’t get a straight answer.

What is a blind person's favorite color?

Black.

Kid with Cancer: "When I get older, I want to be a movie star or a singer."

Nurse: *Laughs*

Kid: "Why are you laughing?"

Nurse: "When I get OLDER."

Proceeds to laugh.

A man books a session to see a therapist, as he claims he has a strong fear of the 15th, 9th and 3rd letters of the alphabet. So once the therapist, let's call him Frank, has jotted that down on his notebook, he says, "Oh, I see."

What’s a teacher's favorite tree?

A geometry.

How to kill a blond: put a scratch & sniff in a pool.

My friend asks for a turkey burger on 4th of July. I say, "That's Thanksgiving, man!"

You know a piranha can devour a small child in 30 seconds. Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

What do you call a sick eagle?

Ill-eagle! 😂

Your uncle Jack is stuck on a horse. Will you help Jack off a horse?

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud.

Q: What do Mexicans love to wear in the air force?

A: Air Force Juans.

A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:

Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

People say, "I like your cut G." Which is when you get a fresh cut. But I guess when you go bald, we can say, "Like your forehead, G."

I know it's really, really, really, really bad.

What do you say to a ugly girl who claims to have been raped?

“Are you sure you didn’t rape him?”

What's the difference between a potted plant and your wife?

The first is easier to bury.

Two cats called "1,2,3" & "un, deux, trois" had a swimming race across the channel.

1,2,3 cat won because un, deux, trois cat sank!

What’s the difference between an alligator and a child?

You can’t abuse an alligator.

Why didn't the sun go to college?

Because it already had a million degrees!

What do you call a rich Chinese person?!? Kaching!