Aed jokes
Every time I tell a 911 joke, it bombs.
What does a noisy chilli do?
It gets jalapeno business.
Dad joke time:
What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake.
What did Michael Jackson say to the little boy?
"Shhhhhhh, this might hurt a little."
Why can't an orphan get offended?
What are they gonna do, tell their mom?
What is harder than steel?
Michael Jackson on a primary school oval. 😂
A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."
How to make time fly?
Answer: Throw a clock out of the window.
Cashier: "Will you want the milk in a bag today, sir?"
Customer: "I’ll just keep it in the carton if you don’t mind."
What did the sand say when it got into a fight with the ocean?
"Oh my God, you're such a beach!"
Do you know why you should never let a blonde handle grenades?
They'll end up only throwing the pin.
I didn't fart. My ass likes you so much, it just blew you a kiss!
How does a gay man trick a heterosexual man into giving him a blowjob?
The gay man asks the heterosexual man if he wants to give him a "brojob."
Little Johnny was staying at his grandparents' house, and he asked his grandpa, "Can I have a cigarette?" His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "No." "Then that's your answer." A little bit later, Little Johnny asked for a beer. His grandpa said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" He said, "I already said no." "Well, that's your answer." Later, he was complaining to his grandma, and she gave him cookies. His grandpa came up to him and said, "Can I have a cookie?" Little Johnny said, "Well, can your dick touch your asshole?" His grandpa said, "Well, yes, it can." And Little Johnny said, "Well, go fuck yourself, old man, because these are my cookies."
What is the difference between a school bully and a feminist?
The school bully does not hide behind their computer screen.
A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.
The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."
The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."
Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."
There is a kid in my class who is allergic to peanuts. He says he's gay. He can't be though... he's allergic to nuts!
How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
More than three because the basement is still dark!
What turns a girl on more than having sex with her?
When she finds out that you have a vibrator too.
A middle schooler and his dad were at a drugstore. The boy picked up a pack of 3 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for high schoolers: 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday, and 1 for Sunday." The boy then picked up a 6 pack of condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for college students: 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday, and 2 for Sunday." The kid then picked up a pack of 12 condoms and asked his dad who they were for. The dad said, "They're for married men: 1 for January, 1 for February..."