Aed jokes
At this point, I don't want a funeral when I commit. I just want a going away party so people have an excuse to celebrate.
"I’m going through a lot of things right now," I said frustratedly to the person on the line as I crashed straight through the next building in my car.
Yesterday, I saw an advert with a random woman dancing, and someone said that they were beautiful.
And then I said, "Except the fat people." And then I got sent to my room for saying that.
Did you know Stephen Hawking died in a game? The game was Happy Wheels.
What does a homeless man call his mother?
Useless.
If a kid does not go to sleep during nap time, isn't he resisting a rest?
What's the difference between a UKIP voter and a shopping trolley?
Some shopping trolleys have minds of their own.
What do you call Anne born in May? A Maybe.
What is a playground that is old?
A rotten playground.
I looked at my daughter. I told her what's wrong.
She said I wasn't being a daddy to her until...
What is a car that runs and can't?
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "You're." "You're who?" "You're adopted!"
I did a walk today, but it was good for me and my car. And a walk today.
What did the parrot say when it saw a duck?
"Polly want a quacker!"
Worst joke ever.
What's a dog's dream car? A Dachshund 240Z.
What is the best time!? 6:22 a.m.
What did the man say when his girlfriend threw sodium and chloride at him?
That’s assault!
Q: What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?
A: A Lamborghini isn't a very fun hobby.
Do you want to know why I hired a protractor to tutor my nephew in IIROC? Because he has degrees. 180 of them. So he's smar[t].
Did you hear about the volcano that was accepted into Cambridge?
It was a decision on the number of degrees it holds, which is a lot, because volcanoes have lava if they're active. And ours was.