Aed jokes
What has 10 wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
What do you call a cow that doesn't stop shaking?
A milkshake.
What do you call a scared octopus?
An octopussy.
What’s the difference between me and a bakery shop? The bakery shop has cake! 😞🎂
What do you call a toddler lying in the middle of the road? Speed bump.
So I was watching TV, right? Then I f***ing got banged in the eye with either a remote or metal tongs. "WTF?"
Where do you go to get the best fish?
A restaurant on the Titanic.
What did the toilet paper say to the other toilet paper?
"Hey, check me out! I'm on a roll!" 😂😂🤭🤭
I remember having a crush on my math teacher, so I winked at her and said, "Don't worry, babe, I'll call you later."
Walked into a bar the other day and a group of sailors were being loud and shouting about all the women they have in port that had given them gonorrhea...
Bloody seamen.
What part of a vegetable is the hardest to eat?
The wheelchair.
You know, life as a pufferfish is tough. They get startled, then they get hard.
GRAVEYARD SAVINGS:
While leafing through our local newspaper, I noticed this classified ad: “For sale: one used tombstone. Splendid opportunity for a family named Dingle.”
Ok, now I'm not good at telling jokes, but this one is not too bad. One cunt said to another cunt, "Do you get cold at night?"
"Fuck no, cunt," the first cunt said, "Why?"
"I have a built-in set of vertical curtains to keep the cold out, cunt!" xx
What do Madeline McCann and a submarine have in common?
Both are at the bottom of the ocean full of seamen!
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your grandma died, your dad left you too, Now you're living with your old grandma coot. Oh, let's not forget your mom left you, too. You gon' live alone, die alone, with no roses on your casket, too.
Hey everyone, I'm back because I'm sinking back towards depression because my sister is really being a bitch, and my parents always side with her, and the stress over online school is just getting overwhelming, and I'm seriously considering hanging myself to end it all because the pain is just... terrible, and I feel like I'm not worth life.
Very sad today. Found my pet mouse "Elvis" dead this morning. He was caught in a trap.
This disabled kid walked up to me, so I asked what disease he had. He said, "Lima." So I said, "Come again?" And he said, "Lima nuts." And I asked if that was a fruit, and he said, "No, I'm a vegetable."
*Me walking into the nail salon* Hi, I'm here for my 3:45 appointment.
*Nail tech:* Ok, sweety, come and sit down.
*Me sits down in the chair*
*Nail tech:* You want long nail, short nail? Um, long nail. You want boyfriend?!! Yes, ma'am. Ok, let me work magic. Ok.
*gives me short nail* Bro, I asked for long nail, but you said BF, but u look lesbian.
*walks out without paying*
*Nail tech gives money to a customer* There u win.
*customer:* I told u she would.