Advice jokes

Jesus seemed like he was probably a good guy; healed the sick, fed the hungry, and gave good advice.

Jesus had only one flaw: he was always hanging around.

Mom told me drugs are my enemies.

Jesus said to like your enemies.

Yay, I can like drugs then!

My mom wanted me to brush my hair.

And I just told her that even pet animals don't like their hair brushed...

A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"

The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"

Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"

It’s like I always tell my kids:

"Two in the pink, one in the stink."

What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.

I remember you. You used to be an ash.

I would love to roast you more, but my mom said to not burn trash.

If at first you don’t succeed... then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I just wanted to say to never let go of family; they are everything. Never let anyone walk all over you. And if you are with me, like this quote.

Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.

Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)

A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”

If you're white and you're racist to someone, don't do anything.

I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.

A girl in the shop was getting bullied. She came to me saying, "I’m getting bullied." I told her, "Stand up for herself."

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the COVID-19 patients to stay positive.

What did the mommy tomato tell the little tomato?

You better ketchup!

There are women complaining about being r@ped.

JUST DON'T GO NEAR DARK ALLEYS WITH A SPORTS BRA ON. 😁

Why was the orphan so successful? Because once someone told him "go big or go home," and he only had one option.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Tell her to slow down and use lubricant.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

"Breathe... Breathe..."